Page 55 of Losing Control
My time is running out.
I take Cal’s hands in mine and I give them a little squeeze as I look him straight in the eye so that I can convey as much emotion as possible. “He can’t see you here.”
I don’t need to tell Cal who it is that I am referring to. He knows. He knows me, and he knows that I am frightened. I was a fool to think that I could keep it from him.
“Why not?”
“Oh God, don’t make this harder than it already is,” I say as I bite down on my lip, hard.
“Just answer me and then I’ll go.” His hand returns to my cheek and this time I don’t pull away. His touch comforts me, and God do I need comfort in my life right now.
I take a deep breath and voice the words that have been kept inside for so long. “Because he’ll hurt me.”
I watch the colour physically drain from Cal’s face and I hate that I am the one causing that. I hate that I have become so pathetic and weak. I hate that I have let a man get into my head and take over my life.
“Leave him,” Cal says as if I haven’t already thought about that a million times.
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can,” Cal urges, his eyes glistening.
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is. You can come and live with me, we can figure it out together.” His words hold so much promise, but they’re just words. False hope.
“It’s no use. I can’t go anywhere.”
“Why the hell not, Lucy?”
“Because he loves me.”
“He loves you?” Cal replies sarcastically.
“Yes,” I answer as I feel my defences dropping. “He loves me which means that he’ll never let me go, and I can’t bring anyone else into this.” The thought of Cal or Kim being involved in the shitty situation I have found myself in would make me feel worse than I do now. The guilt would eat me up.
“Love doesn’t work like that, Luce.” His voice is gentle, calming, but all it does is fuel the anger deep down inside of me. Cal Bailey is going to try and talk to me about love? I don’t think so.
“And how the fuck would you know?” I say, the venom in my voice making him reel back slightly.
“I know what love is, but I’m starting to think that you don’t,” Cal responds, poking the fucking fire a little more.
“Oh really? Is your love the kind where you just up and leave? The kind where you get a little bit scared, so you decide to keep things at the friend-zone?” I want to slap myself as I say each word. They just come tumbling out with no thought for how this is going to affect our friendship, or how Cal is going to respond to the fact that I am basically admitting that he friend-zoned me all those years ago. Cal’s eyes shimmer, regret visible in them.
“Lucy,” he whispers my name as he reaches for my hand, but I push back on my chair to give me more distance from him.
“Just leave me alone, Cal. I don’t need you, and I don’t need your judgement. I’m a big girl and I can make my own decisions.” My jaw is set firm. I will not cry. I will keep my emotions on lock down. I have to if I am going to survive this. “Just go, Cal.”
A few more seconds tick by.
I feel like I am on a knife’s edge.
I will Cal to go, walk out of here, forget all about me and the fucking mess that I have become.
“Fine,” Cal says as he stands up and puts his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Relief floods through me. Michael won’t see anything. There will be no punishment for me tonight.
“You know where I am if you change your mind,” Cal says, and I say the only thing that I can to extinguish the last look of hope in his royal-blue eyes.
“I won’t.”
