Page 73 of These Wicked Desires

My three guys surround me. Their love, support, and affection fills me. With them holding me, touching me, kissing me, I repeat the word again and again.

Over.

My leg won’t stop bouncing. Anytime Sterling has to stop the Hummer for a stoplight, the entire vehicle shakes. I didn’t think I’d be this nervous to see Gracie, but I am. The waves of nerves that keep washing through me make me feel like a livewire.

“Relax, kitten,” Sterling murmurs, placing his hand on my knee.

I stop the bouncing … for a minute. Then it starts back up again. He sighs and returns his gaze to the road. The landscape blurs past, not registering in my mind at all. And before I know it, the Hummer is pulling up the driveway and Sterling throws it in park. How the hell did we get here so fast? I swear we just left the cabin five minutes ago.

Sterling hops out and walks around the car to open the door for me. “Ready, kitten?”

“No.” My voice shakes slightly and my fingers tremble as I take Sterling’s hand. “Why am I so nervous?”

“Because she’s your sister. And you’re scared to see how changed she is. And you don’t want to do anything that will cause her harm.”

I nod and swallow, my throat dry. “What do I say to her?”

“Just let her know you’re here. That you love her. And you’ll support her however she needs. You don’t even need to talk. She might not want it, but your presence alone will make a difference.”

“How did you get so wise?” I tease, trying to shake the uncertainty.

Sterling bumps my hip with his and grins. “I’ve always been this wise. I just like to let Cade and Kai do all the talking to give them a chance to make asses of themselves.”

I laugh and it feels so good to do so. But deep inside, hidden way in the back of my mind, is a tiny seed of fear. My laugh fades, and I bite my bottom lip.

Sterling gently grips my chin and tilts my head up to look at him. “What’s wrong, kitten?”

“I’m scared,” I whisper, my words barely audible.

He steps closer, brow furrowed. “Of what?”

“This.” I wave my hand in front of me, trying to encompass everything that is my life. “The laughter and hope. The peace and dreams. What if it doesn’t last? I can’t help but think something else will come our way and try to take this happiness from me.”

“It’s over, Ellis. We won. You can take your happiness and own it. And if anything else comes our way, we’ll handle it.” He rubs my cheek with his thumb. His bright blue eyes gleam in the evening light. “It doesn’t matter how many people try to take this happiness from us. We’ll fight for it every fucking day because you deserve it. No matter what comes our way, we’ll fight it, and we’ll win. We’ll get our happily ever after. I promise you that, Ellis.” He leans forward and softly kisses me, brushing his lips against mine until I want to melt.

It doesn’t last as long as I want it to, and when Sterling pulls away I pout. He laughs, but threads his fingers with mine and pulls me to the front door. Shari greets us with a warm smile and hug and ushers us into the kitchen for dinner. I’m too nervous to eat, despite the delicious scent of roasted chicken and marinated vegetables. I manage a few bites because Sterling pins me with a stare until I squirm in my seat.

When we’re done and Sterling is helping Shari clear the table, I make my way upstairs. I pop my head into Chloe’s room first and give her a wave before heading to Gracie’s room. My fingers tremble as I reach out to knock on the door. There is no answer, so I crack it open and peer inside. She’s laying on the bed, covers pulled to her chin, her empty gaze staring at the ceiling.

My breath leaves my lungs in a rush. The last time I saw Gracie alive she was vibrant and full of energy. She was always the one to suggest we do something that would get us in trouble. Like climbing out of the bedroom window and onto the roof, or sneaking out at night to fumble through the woods to the cliffs. She looks so little in that bed, a shell of herself. And it absolutely destroys me.

I somehow manage to swallow my sob, squeezing my eyes shut to hold back the tears. I knock again but she doesn’t even blink.

“Gracie? It’s me, Ellis.”

Nothing.

I push into the room and close the door behind me. Slowly, I approach the bed, making sure to project my movements so I don’t startle her. She doesn’t acknowledge me as I sit on the edge of the bed, keeping her blank stare pinned on the ceiling.

“I missed you,” I whisper, barely managing to keep the brokenness from my voice. “I want you to know you’re safe now. He’s … he’s dead. I killed him.”

Still nothing.

I sit quietly, staring at my hands in my lap. Seeing her sunken cheekbones and pale skin, the dark bruise-like circles under her eyes and limp, matted hair is too much. I dig through my mind for anything to say that won’t overwhelm her. Sterling’s words come back to me. You don’t even need to talk. But the longer I sit in silence, the more the heaviness grows in my chest until I can’t breathe.

I suck in a ragged breath and gently take her hand. “Do you remember that time we stole d-dad’s bottle of vodka?” I stutter over that word, but now is not the time to talk about Thomas Kennedy. “We drank half of it before mom found us puking in the bathtub. Or that time we snuck out at night to go to that boy’s house. What was his name? You had the biggest crush on him. Maddox? Yeah, I think it was Maddox. We made it to the end of the driveway and found mom standing there with her arms crossed over her chest. She tried to keep a stern look on her face, but she couldn’t. She just laughed at us and drug us back inside.”

I smile at the memory. I hadn’t thought about these things in a long time. They always hurt too much, knowing I’d lost both of them in one awful night and would never be able to make new memories like that again. My eyes burn, but I don’t let the tears fall.

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