Great. Her eyes remained glued to my neck and her coworker glanced up at me every few seconds, lacking the subtlety she imagined. I shifted my attention over to the bags, hoping that at least a new purse would do the trick of assuaging my shopping needs.
Near the bags, the sales associates eyes continue to trail me. She took a few steps closer to me and I turned my back to her, praying she'd get the hint. My heart raced as she approached me with a determined stride. I pretended not to notice her, but when she tapped me on the shoulders I could no longer maintain the pretense.
"Excuse me," she chirped. I turned around, leaving my sunglasses on and raising my eyebrows.
"Has anyone ever told you that you look exactly like that celeb who just died… What was her name again? Indie! Indie Holloway!"
My heart pounded through my chest. Bile rose to my throat and I did everything in my power to avoid looking like a terrified deer caught in the headlights.
"No," I replied, "who is that?"
My voice trembled slightly. I flew close to the sun and I my fears melted like hot wax, dripping down my spine in thick beads of sweat.
"She just died. Poor girl. She was one of these famous New York heiresses. I always loved her on the runway."
"Doesn't ring a bell," I said.
The woman shrugged.
"May I help you with anything, ma'am?"
"Yes," I mumbled, "I think I'll buy this purse."
The purse would have otherwise been my last choice but having come so close to being exposed, I panicked and I knew that I had to get out of the store immediately or I was at risk of having a panic attack. Or worse.
I paid for the purse in cash, which surprised the sales associate. I grabbed the bag and hustled out to my car. Once I was in my car I locked the doors and rested my head against the steering wheel. Close call. Too close. Without Ames, my one emergency contact who had remained on my side throughout this entire transition, I had to be careful.
Ames' death meant I was on my own for the first time.
I decided against surgery, but I needed to do something else, something drastic to change my appearance. Indie Holloway had died, but now I had to kill her and kill any part of me that could remain connected to her.
I had to acknowledge the permanence of my departure from New York.
I drove home to my apartment, relieved that I would finally get some peace away from the prying eyes of the public. I no longer felt safe in California. Perhaps Ames was wrong about this being far enough. Perhaps there was some way I could head to either Mexico or Canada.
One thing was clear. If I wanted to be safe from my brother, I would have to be far more careful.
As I entered the apartment, Athena launched into a loud, excited barking and she limped over to me, raising her front paws to my chest and attempting to lick my face. I dodged her aggressive greeting, but hugged her and patted her on the head before filling her bowl with dog food.
I set my new purse down on my bed and then walked into my bathroom, flicking the lights on. I stared at my face. I hadn't done anything to change my appearance since arriving because on some level, I was still attached to being Indie.
Losing interest in her food, Athena bounded over to the bathroom, wagging her tail and making a strange gentle barking noise as if she were trying to tell me something.
"What do you think?" I asked her, running my hands through the straight hair of my wig. It wasn't me. I'd been a natural girl at heart and while I enjoyed the occasional wig, I could never feel like myself.
If I wasn't going to be Indie, I could at least gain the privilege of deciding who I was.
Athena wagged her tail and stuck her tongue out.
"I don't have much of a choice, do I?"
I still maintained some hope that I could be reunited with Richard and regain aspects of my old life. It was time for that hope to die. A lump grew in my throat as I considered saying goodbye to him.
"I never got to say 'I love you'," I whispered out loud.
Athena sat up straight, staring at me as if she could really understand. Her curious face and damp snout at least forced me to smile.
I took off my wig, exposing my long natural hair to the brilliant fluorescent lights. The bright lighting cast a dark shadow across my face. I sighed and reached into the bathroom drawer for my hair clippers.