Page 127 of The Charm of You

“I’m sorry, Austin.” Guilt fills her eyes, and it slices my anger in half.

The truth is, I’m still reeling from my argument with Caroline, and I’m taking it out, in part, on my mother.

But she should’ve told me about this. I had a right to know, especially considering I potentially ruined what I could’ve had with someone I care about because I believed my mother needed me.

“But I had to move on. You and I both deserve to move on,” she says, and the sharp edge of her previous tone dissipates.

I stare at her, and for the first time, I realize she looks different. She’s been uncharacteristically happy lately—that much I’ve noticed—but until now, I hadn’t taken the time to really study her.

She seems younger, with a joyful glow, even.

This woman in front of me is a far cry from the crumbling mess I witnessed ten years ago.

“It breaks my heart to think you’ve put your life on hold for me, Austin.” She clutches her chest like her heart is, in fact, shattering, and she needs to hold it together. “I never asked you to make any sacrifices for me, and you certainly didn’t need to. I can take care of myself.”

“You couldn’t always,” I whisper, haunted by the past. It always lurks in the corner, staring at me. Waiting for me. Taunting me.

She hangs her head, and my rigid exterior cracks.

“I’ve thought you needed me,” I say.

“And I’ve thought you needed me.” She laughs, but it’s sad. It’s nothing like the carefree giggles she unleashed when I first walked in. “I’ve been giving you chores and errands to run because I thought you still wanted to feel…”

“I wanted to feel needed,” I finish for her, and agony twists in my stomach. “I wanted you to need me because I didn’t think you had anyone else to lean on.”

“I leaned on you more than I should have back then, and while I appreciate all you’ve done, I’m so sorry, honey, that you have felt some overwhelming pressure to care for me all this time.” She squeezes my hand and uses her other to pat my knuckles. “I’m sorry I haven’t been honest with you. We should’ve cleared the air ages ago.”

I nod solemnly.

“Then again, I have enjoyed you being so close and attentive. Perhaps part of me lost sight of what was best for you.” She stands on her tiptoes to pull me into a hug.

And I freeze.

All thoughts skid to a screeching halt, and my mind blanks completely.

The last time she hugged me was… I don’t even remember.

It definitely wasn’t recently, and it requires a moment to shake my arms out of their trance to hug her back.

When I do, I blow out a long breath, releasing years’ worth of pain and worry. The fear of losing her again. The doubt that I’m enough to keep her happy and moving forward.

And it hits me like a fucking bus that she has been moving forward and living in the present, while I’ve been stagnant. I’ve been stuck in the past.

More than that, I’ve walked on eggshells around her like I’ve been afraid she’d break if I said or did the wrong thing.

My whole life has revolved around her… and she hasn’t needed me, not for a while now. I feel duped and… relieved.

Should I be ashamed?

I’m still in shock by the time she pulls away, and when she guides me to the couch, I can’t be sure my feet actually touch the floor.

I’m stunned.

She pats the cushion next to her until I sit, and then she levels me with concern in her eyes. “Now, tell me everything.”

“Like what?” I ask, confused. We’ve said plenty for one night, haven’t we? My damn head is spinning, and she wants to share more?

“Why you’re home so early. Why you walked in here earlier like someone ran you over. Why you’re not with Caroline. Isn’t she supposed to leave soon? I figured you’d spend as much time with her as possible. Unless…” She brings her fingers to her mouth, and she gasps. “Don’t tell me you broke up with her.”

---