Page 45 of Shadow Target

He shook his head. “No. After the funeral, he left and that’s the last I heard from him. That’s the way he wanted it, I guess.”

“What did you want?” and she squeezed him hard, her heart swelling to bursting point over the great losses in his childhood.

“I didn’t honestly know, Willow. I hoped someday that I would.”

She sighed, released him, and came around, kneeling in front of him and giving him a tremulous smile. “As tragic as this is for you. You’ve shared it all with me. This is the man I love so much, who lets those shields down and we share,” Tears spilled from her eyes. “You are the man I need. That I love.”

Willow’s tears tore him up inside. Her eyes were such a special color, a translucent, sunlit yellow green, always reminding him of the gemstone, peridot. Her tears only made that color even more breathtaking to him. He gathered her up against him, her tears falling on his chest as he stroked her hair. “You’ll have that man, Angel,” he rasped. “I promise…” He felt her barely nod, her arms going around him, holding him tightly as if he might suddenly disappear on her. He pressed small kisses across her hair, her temple, holding her tightly. Rocking her a little, like he might a crying child, he closed his eyes, pressing his jaw against her head, hurting for the both of them. His heart opened, blossoming in his chest, as she cried unashamedly in his arms, trusting him fully with herself for the first time. That moment was unexpected treasure and he held her and understood the enormity of the gift she’d just given him. Finally, each trusted the other. And he was going to continue to show her he was the man, outside and in, that she’d never stopped loving.

Willow sniffed, and slowly sat up. Shep reached over to the bedstand, pulled several tissues from a box, and handed them to her. She said a “thank you,” that came out muffled, as she wiped her eyes and blew her nose several times. Shep sat up, leaning back against the headboard, his thick, muscular legs on either side of her hips, drawing her up against the front of him. It was such a tender gesture on his part, and her eyes welled up with tears once more. She leaned back against him, his arms around her waist, holding her gently, allowing her this time to weep away three years of loss, hurt and grief. She rested her cheek on his shoulder, her brow against his jaw. He enclosed her with his body, as if to protect her, and never had she felt more loved than right then. Sniffing, she kept wiping her nose. The tears still dribbled down her cheeks, plopping on his taut chest.

“Maybe,” he rasped, placing several small kisses along her hairline, “you had three years’ worth of tears built up?”

Managing a choked laugh, she nodded. “Three years. Yes.” She’d cried buckets after leaving him. And the tears would come out of nowhere. Whether she was flying or on the ground, it didn’t matter. These tears were different though. They were just as much about the losses in Shep’s life, as well as her own. She leaned forward, placing a kiss against his neck. “Thank you for opening the faucet.” She heard a rumble in his chest and knew it was all right. Shep didn’t try to make her stop crying. She shared her tears, and he held her, silently respecting her need to release them.

There was so much good in him, and now, she knew the full truth of his wounding. He was still deeply hurting.

As she wiped her eyes, sniffed, closed them, her hand holding the damp tissue against his chest, Shep held her, to start giving back some of what she had lost of him. It made more tears come. There had been such loss between them over those barren, lonely years. No wonder her needs hadn’t been met. He hadn’t known HOW to meet them. That totaled her all over again and she turned, snuggling up against him, feeling his arms around her, needing to be as close as she could to him. Now, she felt guilty over her demands on him. He’d been doing the best he could, he loved her, but there’d been such a huge disconnect between them. Now? They BOTH understood it. They were older, more mature.

“I-I’m sorry I pushed you so hard to change in our marriage,” she whispered brokenly, moving her hand to his shoulder. “If I’d only known, Shep, we could have maybe done this differently, saved our marriage.”

Shep eased the sodden tissues from her hand and replaced them with fresh ones. Moving his thumb across her damp cheek, he replied softly, “We both made mistakes, but most of the major ones were on my side of the ledger.” His mouth tightened, a dam on a torrent of emotions that could wait for slow release later.

She took his hand, kissing the back of it, bringing it between her breasts. “That’s the past. I’m far more focused on what we can do together, both now and in the future. Aren’t you?” Willow saw the anguish, the love, and the worry in his expression as he remained silent. Knowing he was thinking his methodical way through all this, she was content to give him the time to digest everything. On important issues, Shep always went inside his brilliant mind, looking at them from all angles, before getting back to her. The times he had gotten back to her, that is.

He eased his hand out of hers, cupping her cheek. “What kind of future do you want with me?”

She sighed. “I want to live with you, Shep. I want us to try again. I have NO idea where it will lead, but I’m willing to try. Are you?” She felt the roughness of his fingers as he caressed her face, temple to jaw, saw the burning need for her in his narrowing eyes as he studied her. The silence cloaked them, and it felt familiar and comforting to her. She was learning with Shep, not to goad an answer out of him. He was a tortoise, and she was a roadrunner. It was her turn to make some changes.

“What I want? I want you in my life again, Willow. In any way that you want to share it with me. No ultimatums. No rules. Just whatever moves your heart when it comes to me, to us. For my part? I’d like nothing better than for us to move into one of these condos together. I know I have a lot to make up for. I’m scared as hell because I’m going to stumble and fall many, many times as I try to open up to you, try to be present in the ways you need me to be.” He frowned, stroking her hair. “I’ll take whatever you want to give me, Willow. I going to fight to get you back, and I’ll prove it an hour, a day at a time with you. How does that sound?”

“Better than good,” her voice wobbled, tears gathering in her eyes. “I never thought,” and she hesitated, swamped with emotions.

“What?”

His concern was touching as he kissed her wrinkled brow. “I never thought this could ever happen. It’s a miracle in itself, Shep. Don’t you feel the same way?”

Nodding, he said, “Yeah. Honestly? I feel like I’m in one of my weekly dreams where we get back together and live happily ever after.” He managed a shy little-boy grin. “I’ve had dreams at least once a week about us since you left me. They were always good ones, positive and hopeful.” His grin deepened. “And sometimes, the dream turned pretty hot.”

She saw his cheeks turn ruddy and she loved him fiercely, returning his bashful look. Euphoria flowed powerfully through her. “Can I tell you how many hot dreams I had of us after I left? So many I’ve lost count over the years, Shep.” Shaking her head, she laughed. “Aren’t we a pair?”

“Yeah,” he rumbled, kissing her temple, “I guess we are. Is there hope for us, Willow?”

She sobered. “I believe there is. Or I wouldn’t be here in your arms, in this bed.”

“That pretty much seals it, then,” he said, moving her such that he could look her directly in the eyes. “If we’re agreeing to live with one another? What with the security issues we’ve got presently? Our lives are on the line. I worry about that. I worry for you. And before you protest? I know you can take care of yourself. You proved it yesterday in spades. But we have to look at the present as well as our future, Willow.”

She heard the seriousness in his tone, saw the worry in his expression. Feeling his fierce protectiveness, she moved her hand down his arm wrapped around her waist and small of her back. “Look, I know this is dangerous now. But I’m not stopping flying or delivering goods to your worksite or the other charities in the region, Shep. I’m not going to let that bastard stop me from living my life the way I want.”

He grimaced.

“Well?” She arched her eyebrows, her voice turning adamant, “You think I’m going to cut and run? That’s not my style. I’ll grant I’m not a ground pounder trained like you, but I can learn to be. I’m staying, that’s all there is to it, Shep. So, if you have an argument ready to try and make me leave and be safe Stateside? It isn’t gonna fly. At all. That thought has just crashed and burned.”

Unhappy, he grimaced. “I knew you’d say something along those lines.”

Snorting, she muttered, “I don’t run when things get dicey, Shep. You ought to know that better than anyone.”

“Yeah, I do.” He caressed her shoulder, trying to smooth the tension out of her, knowing he’d ruffled her composure.

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