Page 41 of Shadow Target

“Lose your appetite?” he asked quietly, holding her gaze.

“Yes, I guess. I’m filled up, but so many crazy feelings are tearing through me, Shep,” and she gave a shrug. “I’ve never gone through this before.”

He reached over, capturing her fingers, squeezing them. “Most people never, in their entire lifetime, have to face a life-and-death situation like this. When you’re flying a combat jet, you’re above the fray. You don’t feel the pressure-wave blasts from the bombs you drop.”

Releasing a ragged breath, she nodded and whispered, “You were right about emotions. As a jet jock, I could handle them just fine. I could tuck them away, focus, and do my job without a hitch. But right now? God, Shep, I’m still shaking inside. I’m feeling things from one minute to another. I get flashbacks of the attack on us. My stomach knots,” and she scowled.

He set his bowl aside and took her hand, forcing her to look at him. “Listen to me, will you? What you need right now is to be held.” His voice deepened. “I can do that for you, Willow. I promise I’ll just hold you. Nothing more.”

She managed a wobbly half smile of a sort, lacing her fingers through his, feeling how roughened his flesh was, the hard-earned callouses of his trade, and how steady he made her feel. Swallowing, she said, “Shep?”

“Yes?”

“What… what if I told you I had this driving urge to have sex with you?” and she searched his gaze. He didn’t look at all fazed. Which surprised the hell out of her. Instead, his fingers curved more protectively around her hand.

“It’s called survivor sex, Angel. And it hits everyone. Having sex reaffirms you’re alive and not dead. It’s a sort of instinctual survival reflex, I guess.”

She frowned and then asked, “Are you feeling it, too?” When his mouth curved faintly, and amusement danced in his eyes, she knew.

“Yes.”

“Is it a good thing? I mean this survivor sex thing. To act on it?”

It was his turn to shrug, remaining somber. “Depends on the people involved. For some, it’s a good thing. For others, it’s okay, but then one partner or both end up regretting it later.”

“And you know this how?”

His brows raised a little. “Been there, done that… with you. Even though you didn’t know it because I wasn’t communicating how I was really feeling internally with you, Willow.”

“…Oh…,” and she searched his expression which mirrored her own regret. “I wish… I wish I’d known, Shep.”

“Why?’

“Because I understand now, it’s a driving force. It’s a need to feel alive, to confirm you’re still breathing. That my dreams and future are still here. Alive, not dead. If I’d have understood your need to have sex with me? I might have been able to contribute or understand what was really happening to you more than I did, that’s all.”

“Willow? I never considered when we went to bed as just having sex. I might have with other women before you, but I never did with you.” He grazed her cheek. “I always loved you. I made love WITH you. You were always sacred to me, as corny as that sounds. I never considered just having sex with you. Okay? And being completely open about it? With you, I could release my emotions. I could be a hundred percent there with you in every way. It was the only time my emotions rose and participated. It was always a good thing, and I was always grateful to you, because that only happen with you, if that makes sense?”

She sat there digesting his sobering admittance. Her heart turned and she felt warmth cascading through her. Just having him grip her hand like this was causing a riot of even more need in her. “Yes… thank you for telling me that. I never went to bed with a man without a strong emotional connection with him. I’d always seen it as loving him. Oh, I know most men see it as sex and it’s a needy act only. Most men don’t put emotions into it. For them, it’s just getting off, is all, no love or care or consideration of the woman involved in the process.”

“Well, that’s true a lot of the time for men, but where you’re concerned? I always saw you as the gorgeous woman you are and felt lucky to worship you with my love and care. What I have always felt for you was far more than what men feel for just a one-night stand. I was always with you, heart and soul.”

“I didn’t know until now how you felt; your emotions being such a part of our lovemaking… it’s so good to know that, Shep.”

“I aim to repair that damage with you, Willow, if you’ll let me,” and he searched her eyes.

She heard the unvarnished emotion behind Shep’s words. Never before had he allowed his feelings into the equation, but ever since this new beginning between them, she’d seen that he was trying to correct all that and reconnect with her more honestly and fully. Closing her fingers around his hand, she wanted to cry but fought back the reaction. He looked so grave, so unsure of himself, and it shook her deeply. Before, he had always been a bulwark that seemed immoveable by human frailties such as emotions. But not now. Not with her.

“When we were running? Trying to save ourselves? I kept telling myself to keep pushing, Shep. And a big reason I wanted to was because I felt we deserved a second chance with one another.” She smoothed her fingertips down the back of his hand in a caressing motion. She saw vulnerability in his expression; the tenderness glistening in his eyes and showing in the way his mouth eased. It gave her the courage to go on. “I never stopped loving you, Shep. I didn’t realize that until you showed up here. I thought my love for you was gone, but I found out quickly that it was in deep hiding, was all.” She managed a crook of one corner of her mouth. “I’m coming clean with you because so many times in our marriage, I pulled my punch. I’m not going to ever do that again. I’m going to be brutally honest and up front with you, and I have no idea how you’ll take it, or me.”

Shep nodded and sighed. “There was so much I wanted to tell you earlier today when we were running for our lives, Angel. My love for you has never gone away, either. You have always been with me.” His hands tightened. “I want the chance to make up for the man I wasn’t with you. I didn’t know how you felt until just now. I thought I knew, hoped I knew. I was going to talk to you about it once things settled down.”

Willow gave him a soft look. “I’m so glad to hear that,” and her voice trembled.

“I’m here for you,” he rasped. “Just tell me what you need, Willow, and I’ll try to give it to you. I promise, I’ll keep talking with you every chance we get to be together. I’m going to flounder around, and sure as hell continue to make a lot of mistakes, but I’m trying…”

She pulled her hand free, pressing her fingertips against her closed eyes for a moment, trying to still the inner joy erupting through her chest. Her lips opened and closed as she struggled to get a hold of her escaping, exploding feelings for Shep. The look in his eyes, that love shining in them as before, was back again, but lidded. It was then that she realized he was hiding it from her, unsure of where she was at with him. That look melted her heart, seared her soul with such yearning for him that she could no longer fight it.

Opening her eyes, she whispered, “I want to love you. I want you to love me. Right now. No questions asked. I just need you, Shep. Will you come to bed with me?” Her voice was low and fraught with unsureness, pain combined with yearning. She saw her husky, emotional words strike Shep. He straightened, anguish and hope burning in his expression. Without a word, he pushed his chair backward, the wood scraping against tile. He walked around to her, sliding his hand lightly and gently against her hunched shoulders.

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