Page 47 of Shattered Dreams

“Anytime, big brother.”

Ending the call, I went inside and upstairs to my apartment to shower and relax for the rest of my day off.

Jolynn

The next week was filled with tea parties, Candyland, silly cartoons, snacks, diaper changes and trying to find a job.

Richard and I talked every night before bed, and after we hung up, I’d cry myself to sleep.

What was I thinking messing around with Richard? Five kids, a fat me and an asshole that pops up like a bad penny. He deserved better.

Harrison walked over to where I stood. “Mom, can we go camping?”

“Camping?” I stopped chopping vegetables and looked at him, confused.

“Yeah. You know? In tents, with sleeping bags and bears.”

I went back to my celery. “Bears are big and scary. What about a trial run in the backyard?”

He sighed. “But that’s not real camping.”

I’d only been camping a handful of times. I didn’t know the first thing about it. But I knew as a single mom with five kids I couldn’t do it alone. “What do we do with the girls?”

“Can’t we find a sitter?” His little shoulders shrugged, and I saw the anticipation in his eyes.

“Can I think about this?” I added the chopped celery to the crock pot.

He shrugged, and with shoulders drooping, left the kitchen.

How am I supposed to juggle everything? How the hell do I make it work so I can give him what he needs while keeping the girls happy?

I pulled a carrot out and chopped it up to add in. While I stood there overthinking, I missed the vegetable and sliced my finger.

“Shit!”

“Jolynn!” My dad scolded me. “Don’t be talking like that with littles in the house.”

“Sorry, Dad.” I blew out a frustrated breath and ran to the bathroom.

Behind the closed door, I slid down to the floor and let the tears flow.

Every promise John broke, and every nasty thing he said added to the tears. Every time he treated the boys like they didn’t matter. At all. Every time he made them be quiet because he didn’t want to hear them. For every fucking time, he lied about where he was and took money away from what we needed.

All those hurts made their way out of my body. The tears felt like they carried my failures and there were so many. I clamped my hand tightly over my mouth, trying to muffle any sounds from escaping.

This was my private hell.

Richard

Friday night came, and I had to force myself to stay home and not hover around Jo. After my shower, I kicked back in sweatpants with a bowl of popcorn in my lap. Demolition Man played on my TV for the thousandth time when my phone went off.

you still at your mom’s?

nope

bummer

everything ok?

---