Page 137 of Old Habits

Chapter 36

Will

We go through so much to become who we are.

Every series of events, every moment and thought is just one piece of a fine-tuned engine that makes up ourselves. Parts degrade and get replaced over time but the layout and basic function remain the same. We can generally predict what our reactions will be to just about any situation. Fight or flight. Laugh or cry. Trust or suspect.

Losing Jovie the first time inspired a heavy upgrade. I ditched the attitude. I started buying clothes that fit me. I went to school and got a job to be more independent and responsible. I kept the leather jacket and the bike as a reminder, but mostly because that look will never not be cool, even on the uptight streets of Middle of Nowhere, Kansas.

But still, even through all that change, I’ve always expected the worst from Jovie Ross.

I found out the truth and my first thought was that of suspicion. As if to say her most probable reaction to our breakup was to enact some form of revenge on my desire for a family. I know her better than that. She’d never do something like that to me, not in a million years, and yet, my fine-tuned, newly-upgraded engine of independence and responsibility latched onto the worst case scenario first because that’s just what I’ve always done.

You can’t upgrade or replace everything. Some things you’re just stuck with. Old habits.

Jovie’s gone through her own set of upgrades. She’s more patient. A kinder, gentler Jovie. No less sardonic but I’ve always considered that to be her strongest asset. But if she can grow and change just as I have then it’s not outside the realm of possibility that there are pieces of her deep inside that remain untouched.

Her reaction back then was to run and hide, even from the one person she always thought she could run to. Did that reaction end up in a bin with the rest of the degraded parts? Or is it still there, connected to everything else, just waiting for the right series of events to set it off again?

She’ll come back.

And I’m not leaving our home until she does.

I will sit here until I hear her key in the door again. Until she walks into this room and gives me that knee-crippling smile again. And if she doesn’t, then I will go out there, find her, and I will bring her back here myself because I will not give up on Jovie Ross just like everyone else did. Just like they all told me to do.

A soft knock taps on the door. I bolt off the couch to answer it, kicking away the blanket as it gets wrapped up in my foot.

I pull the door open and exhale the hope from my chest.

“Jesus…” Sara looks me up and down. “What happened to you?”

I glance at my wrinkled suit pants and untucked shirt. “Nothing,” I say, stepping away.

She follows me in and closes the door behind her. “I got your message.”

“Okay.” I sit down on the couch, sinking deep into the cushions. “Did you find someone to take him?”

“Yeah.” I feel her staring at me. “Mom has the day off, so she’s watching him. I figured you had to take a shift so I stopped by the shop. Marv said you called in.”

“Yeah,” I say again.

“You sick?”

“No.”

She paces toward the hallway. “Passed by the toy store. Looks like Jovie didn’t show up to work today either.”

“Don’t you have a class or something?”

I look up and she’s staring at me like I’m some kind of wounded animal.

“Will, what happened?”

“Sorry I couldn’t hang with Andy today. I’ll make it up to him next week.”

“Will.” She crosses her arms, digging her stance into my carpet. “Where’s Jovie?”

“Do you really care?”

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