Page 34 of Falling for my First Crush

“I didn’t expect this book to affect me the way it did,” I say. “Especially the Beth storyline. It’s literally my worst fear with Sabina.”

My friends all turn to me with varying levels of concern and sadness on their faces. “Is it really that bad?” Marissa asks softly.

I nod. “It definitely is. She says that the hospital program is helping, but her friend just committed suicide, and it’s impacted her deeply.”

“I wish there was more that we could do,” Ella says.

“You are all helping with the Tribute,” I say. “That’s huge. The amount of money that it’s going to bring in for the hospital will help immensely. You have no idea how much they will be able to use it.”

Violet reaches across the sofa and squeezes my hand. “It’s the least we can do. We know how important it is to have programs like this in our community.”

“Joe has been a huge help,” I say without thinking. The words just decided to leave my mouth like they were nothing. I can feel myself flush immediately.

I can see the glances that are exchanged, and my face gets hotter. I’m not sure what is going on with me. This plus the other things recently, like thinking about the crush I had on Joe as a little kid, and those few encounters with him that were more than just typical interactions, are throwing me for a loop. Is it possible that I might still have feelings for Joe?

“Is it?” I say out loud. “Is it possible that I have feelings for Joe?”

“Yes!” comes the resounding chorus from my friends.

I stare at them, amazed. “You all knew that I had feelings for Joe, and you didn’t tell me?”

“We thought you just didn’t want to talk about it,” Marissa says.

“Yeah,” Addie agrees. “We know how sensitive these things can be.”

“We’ve all been there,” Kaylee adds. “It feels like no one else could ever understand what you’re going through.”

“But we’re always here for each other,” Ella says. “So we should just share when we get together. It would make everything a lot simpler.”

We all laugh. “I think we need more snacks,” Violet says. “Kaylee, come help me.”

Once they’ve gone off, we lapse into silence again. I’m trying to find the words to explain how I feel about Joe, and how hopeless I feel about the situation at the same time. I mean, he’s practically dating my sister. Is it mean of me to say that I don’t think she deserves him? She’s too self-centered. She wants a man who is going to inflate her ego, not be her equal. In Little Women, Maia would be Jo in the birth order, but they could not be farther from the same kind of person.

“I think I’m in love with Joe,” I say slowly. It sounds strange to say the words out loud, like someone else is saying them. But I also like the way they sound.

“I want to say, duh,” Addie says. “But that feels a little childish. It’s been pretty obvious.”

“How could you tell, though?” I ask. “I’m genuinely curious, because I feel like I just realized it myself. I mean, truth be told, I had a heart-throb crush on him from the moment I met him, back when I was a kid. But…well, I was just a kid! And I never thought he’d ever see me as anything else, especially being further apart in age.”

“How did we know? Well… it’s in the way you’ve always talked about him,” Ella says.

“And the way you describe your fights with him,” Marissa adds.

“It all just tells a complete story,” Addie finishes. “You’ve been wrestling with your feelings for him for a really long time. Now that he’s back, it just kind of seems like you’ve decided to give in to them…right? Or… maybe more like you’ve been trying to avoid and deny how you feel, but you just can’t keep it bottled inside anymore?”

I can’t believe that I didn’t recognize any of this, but now that I’m hearing it, I have to admit that it all makes sense. Even just little things like how excited I was that Joe took my name suggestion for his dog. Gidget is the perfect name for her, though. Anyone could see that.

I’ve been so focused on the fact that he thinks he’s still in love with Maia, that I couldn’t see my own feelings for him. But I’m done with that now. I’m done ignoring how I feel for the sake of other people. I can’t make Joe love me back, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love him.

“Ugh,” I groan, “what am I going to do? He’s completely in love with Maia.”

“Are you sure about that?” Ella asks. “It seems like he might have feelings for you, too.”

I roll my eyes. “They went on a date the other night.”

“So what?” Addie says. “Lots of people go on dates, and it never leads to anything. He’s been working hard with you on the Tribute. No one is forcing him to spend all his time with you.”

“And didn’t you say that he’s going to let you teach him how to paint?” Marissa says.

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