Page 26 of Falling for my First Crush

Sabina considers this for a long moment before saying, “You could just ask me.”

This seems like the biggest revelation ever, and yet the most obvious solution of all. I want to smack my hand to my forehead. “But what if it’s too much for you?” I ask.

With a groan, Sabina squeezes her eyes shut. “I can decide what is too much for me,” she says. “But no one ever even gives me a chance to make that choice.”

“I didn’t realize we were doing that,” I say. I think about all the times I’ve been so worried about my sister, and I’m ashamed to say that I don’t think I’ve asked her about her experiences in combat even once. “I guess we didn’t want to upset you, and at the same time we were isolating you.”

“I don’t blame any of you,” she says. “I get that it’s hard to know where to start. But I would love for people to just listen to me. That’s it. Just sit down and let me say whatever comes into my head. It might not be pretty or even coherent sometimes, but it would be a relief. I mean, now I have my therapist, but still.”

She’s not wrong. “I will try to be better,” I promise to my sister.

Sabina smiles at me. A real smile for the first time in a long time. “I know you will,” she says. “I see how hard all of you are trying to help me in your own ways. I wish that I could put into words what I need, but sometimes the depression stops me cold, and I can’t even formulate thoughts.”

“You’re doing a pretty good job right now,” I say, returning her smile. I feel like I can see the old Sabina emerging. I don’t know how she’s really doing, but this gives me hope for her.

A flicker of sadness washes over Sabina’s face. “I wish I could be like this all the time, but it’s nearly impossible.”

“I’m sure it will seem more possible as time goes on,” I say. “Is the program at the hospital helping?”

“It is,” Sabina says after a moment. “Sometimes I don’t want them to help me, and I don’t even know why. But they are committed to all of us there, and I appreciate that.”

I hesitate as an idea pops into my head. I’m not sure this is the right moment, but I’ve been so desperate to get Sabina involved in the tribute that we’re putting together. I thought that she would want to help behind the scenes, but none of that has seemed to appeal to her. What if I ask her to be part of the actual program?

“So, you know how Joe and I have been working on the Fallen Soldier Tribute fundraiser for the hospital program?” I say.

Sabina nods. “I think it’s a great idea. It will make it so that the hospital can help so many more people.”

“Exactly,” I say. “So, how would you feel about speaking at it? We need someone from the program, and you could talk about anything you want. Your friend, your experiences, anything.”

Sabina seems startled by the offer. “I don’t know,” she says, drawing out the words so I can tell that she’s hesitant.

“We can keep it really short, if that helps,” I say. “No pressure, though.”

Sabina gives me a look that she used to give me all the time when we were teenagers, the one she gave me when she knew that I was lying. I’m not really lying right now, but I guess I get where she is coming from.

“I guess I could,” she says, slowly.

“You can seriously talk about anything you want,” I say. “Do you have any ideas off the top of your head?”

The look she gives me this time is another one that I am acquainted with. My sweet, quiet sister is not huge on public speaking. This whole interaction has made me see that underneath her depression, my sister is still there. Some things about her might have changed, and some haven’t.

“I don’t really know what I’ll talk about,” she says. “But I think that I have a lot of things to share that will help all the people attending the Tribute see how important the hospital program is.”

“I agree,” I say. “I think that you’ll be the star of the night.”

“I don’t know about that,” Sabina says, but she smiles. I really like seeing my sister smile.

We lapse into a comfortable silence, and my mind drifts to the Tribute. Thinking about the Tribute makes me think about Joe. And thinking about Joe reminds me how angry I am with him. I glance over at Sabina, who has leaned back in her chair with her eyes closed. She has her face tipped up to the sun. She doesn’t look sad anymore. If anything, she has a look of peace on her face that I haven’t seen in a very long time.

I realize that no matter how upset I am with Joe, the Tribute is more important than any petty feelings I have. I have to keep going with the Tribute planning, no matter what - for Sabina’s sake… and so many others like her. I am going to see this project through to the end.

Sixteen

JOE

I’m just putting away dishes from earlier, when I realize that Tibby, the rescue dog I decided to foster, needs to be let out. I’m glad that my yard is fenced in, so she can run around ’til her heart’s content. She’s a great little dog, and I’m happy that I agreed to do this. Even if it’s just temporary.

As I watch Tibby sprint out the door, I’m struck again by how much I love having a dog around. I wish that there was some way that I could keep her, but with work… I just don’t know how I can. Still, my heart isn’t at all sure. It flashes through my mind that it would be a good idea to ask Jackie what she thinks. Then I remember that she’s still mad at me. This isn’t an ideal situation, since we still have to work on the Tribute together. I still don’t know why she was so angry with me for comforting Maia. It seemed like such a good idea at the time.

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