Page 12 of Falling for my First Crush

The thing that has changed, though, is me. I don’t harbor any more hidden feelings for Joe Lawrence. I’ve had plenty of boyfriends who taught me what love is, and what I want out of a relationship. And true love certainly doesn’t involve a guy who is pining away after my sister.

I shake myself out of my thoughts about Joe and Maia and the past, and I pick up my pace again. I agreed to meet Joe in the park at the center of town. My run will take me right past Violet’s shop. I wish I could find the time for another paint session with her. I can’t remember the last time I felt so free. Painting is the best release of stress I have ever found. I wish I had found this stress reliever sooner.

Violet’s studio isn’t open as I run by. At least this takes the temptation away from me. I keep running. The downtown is pretty quiet at this time of day. I remember that it’s Monday morning, and most of the shops either open later on Mondays or aren’t open at all. I have most Mondays off, too, since I work so many weekends and swing shifts. I won’t be able to maintain this schedule forever, but for now it works. I make decent money, and it isn’t like I have anyone waiting for me at home. So, it’s not an issue.

As soon as I turn onto the path into the park, I see Joe. He’s waiting for me by a bench alongside the path, doing some stretches while he waits. I try not to notice how handsome he looks in the leaf-filtered sunlight glinting through the trees above. It seems ridiculous that I’m still thinking about how good-looking he is and trying to ignore the knots in my stomach, after all these years spent exorcising him from my system.

Joe looks up and spots me coming. I ignore the huge kick of my heart against my ribcage as I raise a hand to wave back. I am acutely aware of how sweaty I already am, and now I wish that I had driven down here instead of running. That would have defeated the purpose of, you know, exercising and whatnot, but at least I wouldn’t be a smelly mess. Argh! Why do I care anyway? There is no one here that I’m hoping to impress.

“Hey, Jack,” Joe says.

I wince at my childhood nickname. Jackie is fine, but Jack? No, thank you. That was once upon a time, but no longer befitting of who I am now. Anyway, Joe and I aren’t on that kind of level of friendship, yet… if we ever will be again. I can’t stand it when someone calls me that, unless they really know me; but I don’t correct Joe. Instead, I smile back a greeting as I swipe sweaty strands of hair out of my face as surreptitiously as possible.

“Where do you want to run?” I ask.

“Out to the lake and back?” Joe suggests.

“Oh, sure,” I say. “That’s only a few miles either way. We’ll be back in plenty of time for me to take Sabina to her appointments today.”

“Do you always take her?” Joe asks as we start to jog together at a leisurely pace. “Or do Gianna and Maia take turns, too?”

I know that it is an innocuous question. I know that he’s asking about both of my other sisters, but I can’t help feeling like he just asked about Gianna so he could bring up Maia. Oh my goodness. I have got to chill out. What is wrong with me? Jumping to conclusions much, Jackie?

“We all take turns,” I say. “But I tend to do the most, because I work at the hospital and all.”

“That makes sense,” he says as we lapse into silence.

Some silences are friendly, like this one, and I can handle them just fine. Some silences, though, are so tense and so loud that I feel the need to babble just to fill in those gaps. Running has helped me calm the constant stream of thoughts in my head to just a steady trickle.

We approach the edge of town before either of us speak again. This time Joe says, “It’s crazy to think of how long I’ve been away from Cranberry Creek. It feel like so much has changed. Maybe it hasn’t, but I just feel kind of out of sync still. Fill me in on what’s been going on around here?”

I glance at him and shrug. “It’s pretty much the same place it’s always been,” I say. “People have just… gotten older.” I look at him to see if he catches my underlying hint.

“I can’t believe how much older all the Moretti girls seem,” he says, in a tone that I can tell is forced casualness. He clearly has more that he wants to say, and I feel the same prickle of irritation that I did earlier.

“That’s what happens, Joe,” I say, barely able to keep the annoyance out of my voice. “Seriously, did you think time stood still while you went out into the world, had all your adventures, and never once bothered to call or text or email?”

“No, of course not,” Joe says. I can tell that he feels hurt, but there’s also something else in his voice. Is that guilt that I hear? “I just meant that I’ve been away for a long time, and it’s been a real shock to my system, realizing how much I missed this place.”

I want to say something snarky about how he was really just missing Maia, but I bite back the words. I’m not normally a mean person, and I don’t know what it is about these interactions I’m having with Joe that bring that part of me out, but I have to make it stop.

The thought I keep coming back to is that I want Joe to see me the way he sees Maia. Not as some kind of romantic partner, I don’t think anyway; but as someone who is grown up, who is capable of so much more than he gives me credit for. How I’m going to show him that is not clear to me at the moment. It certainly won’t be achieved by snapping at him like I’m a tween who didn’t get to pick where we went for dinner. The best way to show him who I am, who I have become in his absence, is to have him get to know me, on my terms.

“Hey,” I say, making sure that my tone is neutral in the very least, but hoping that it sounds casual and cheerful. “Would you want to come paint with me at Violet’s art studio sometime? You remember Violet, don’t you? It’s just this new hobby that I’ve picked up, and it would be a nice way for you to see some of the things that have changed in Cranberry Creek.”

I nearly hold my breath while I wait for his reply. What possessed me to ask him that? My new hobby has been all of one time, and I don’t even know if Violet would be open to having him come along with me. And… do I really want Joe to be a part of this new-founded experience that brings my emotions to the surface? Too late. I already brought it up.

Joe grins and says, “Sure, that sounds like fun. Honestly, it would be a new adventure for me, painting. Maybe you could invite all of your sisters, so we could spend some time together… like old times?”

I force a smile onto my face, as I say, “Perfect. I’ll get it all set up.”

Eight

JOE

I’m in a pretty good mood when I roll into the fire station for my shift. The run with Jackie earlier turned out to be just the thing I needed to put my mind at ease. She even invited me to go to some kind of painting party. It will be just like old times, and that’s when I’ll get to see Maia and let her see that I’ve changed and grown up even more, for the better; that maybe now, finally, she might see that we could be a perfect match for each other.

In a cheesy rom-com, I’d be whistling as I walk into the station. In reality, I’m just smiling, but in my head I’m having a moment. When I suggested going for a run with Jackie, I honestly wasn’t sure how it would go. Every encounter we’ve had since I ran into her at the hospital has ended with her being mad at me for reasons unknown to me. But I know that if I want to get closer to Maia, I need to spend time with the rest of the family as well. The Moretti girls were always a package deal.

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