Page 71 of Vicious

His brows furrow even deeper. “She said that?”

“She didn’t have to,” I mumble. It was pretty obvious she hadn’t been interested in her half-Chinese daughter who didn’t speak the language and who was too American for her family to ever accept.

I try again to slide off of his lap, but his grip tightens on me until I give up.

“Right. So. I wanted to watch this episode. Should we start it over?” I ask, desperate to change the subject. “It’s a really good one. She’s trying to fight?—”

Chase rests his head on my shoulder. “Your mother divorced your father,” he says, like I don’t already know that. “You know they fought over custody, right?”

I stiffen in his lap.

“No, they didn’t,” I say after a pause, remembering too well how quiet their separation had been. “She didn’t even take him to court. She wanted to go back to China.” I shake my head. “She didn’t want to be a single mom there, especially to some kid who was more American than anything.”

I need Chase to shut up about this. I need him to stop digging, to stop dredging up the memories. But of course the only thing he ever cares about is causing me pain.

“Ah-May, I read the court documents.” I freeze, those words taking a moment to sink into my brain even as he continues speaking, “Her lawyer tried to argue that she was the primary caretaker, but, fact of the matter is that you’re a U.S. citizen and she wasn’t. No judge was going to side with her, especially not a judge who was friends with your father.”

“You…” I stare at him, incredulous. “You read the…”

That’s just a whole new level of creepy and obsessive, and this time there’s more savagery in my efforts to push at him. It’s enough to make him let go of me at last, and I scramble to my feet to put as much distance between us as I can.

My mind races, and I can’t decide whether to believe him or not. If he did read them, and he’s telling the truth…

But no.

He can’t be.

He’s just trying to fuck with my head, to doubt everything I’ve known for the past ten years.

“That’s such bullshit, Chase,” I hiss. “Why would you even lie about something like that? Do you think I’d be impressed by you supposedly finding those court documents and trying to say nice things about the woman who fucking abandoned her child?”

Chase’s expression gets darker. “Lying? Why the fuck would I lie about that? I got curious because of how fucking vague Simon was about his divorce. No wonder. You want to know the real reason they got divorced?”

My heart beats so hard in my chest, it feels like it’s about to break my ribs. “Shut up,” I hiss. “Just fucking shut up.”

“It was financial.” Chase stands up too and starts looming over me. “Your mother didn’t want to keep supporting Simon’s gambling debts. She, at least, realized what a loser he was.”

I want to throw up.

“A loser?” I ask, my fingers clenching into tight fists at my sides. “Who do you think you are, calling my father a loser? It wasn’t like she was contributing to much. She only had a part-time job. Even if he was gambling a little, it wasn’t?—”

It wasn’t as bad as it is now, but I don’t say that. I’m not going to give him any more ammunition to use against me.

Chase barks out a condescending laugh. “You’d rather believe your mother abandoned you than that your father is a gambling addict?”

“‘Rather believe,’” I repeat, incredulous. “What, are you trying to say both aren’t possible?”

I can’t breathe. My chest is too tight. I don’t know what to think, what to feel; I only know that my fight or flight instincts have been stoked to impossibly high levels, and I haven’t decided which I’d rather do yet.

“Who the fuck abandons a kid for not being ‘Chinese’ enough?” Chase asks cruelly. “I read the fucking court documents, May! I can share them with you if that’ll get through your stubborn head.”

“You’re the one who said your grandfather didn’t accept you for being foreign,” I retort, my fingernails digging into my palms. “So what, are you saying that’s not real either? Were you lying to me to try to get me to sympathize with you or some bullshit like that?” I shake my head. “She wanted to go back to China. Baba didn’t. So she left. It was as simple as that. There was no conspiracy or fight, and I don’t know why you want me to believe there was. Are you trying to turn me against the only person I have who cares about me?”

“My grandfather has nothing to do with this!” Chase shouts, his face getting red. “Your father has a fucking problem, and he’s always had a problem! It didn’t start when he sold you off to Pavone!”

He might as well have just slapped me. “He didn’t sell me to Pavone!” I yell back, feeling blood welling up in a few of the crescents of my fingernails in my palms. “That’s not what fucking happened, Chase!”

“No? He owed the mob money, and his debts get cleared when he sells his own fucking daughter! Give him the father of the year award, everybody!” Chase snarls at me. “He’s not somebody you need to protect, May. He’s a fucking parasite.”

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