Page 44 of Ruining Vanessa

“Is she at least disease-free?” Savage asks, sounding a little disgruntled.

“Negative on all her tests last week, and she’s getting rechecked today, just for you,” Giulio promises.

Interrupting Giulio when he’s like this won’t help anything. The most I can do is wait for him to get off the phone and try to dissuade him from selling Stef before he completes the transaction.

But that’s the least of my worries right now, because I need to find out what happened with Vanessa first. Maybe Giulio misunderstood, or maybe he’s overreacting, or maybe…

Maybe Vanessa found a way to trick all of us.

After a bit of back and forth on scheduling, Giulio finally ends the call. He sits down on the couch again and taps around on his phone. “Do you think we should display Vanessa naked for the entire club to see? Maybe let the customers cop a feel as they walk past. It’s not like she’s actually our baby mama right now.”

I scowl at him. “No, I don’t think you should do that. Vanessa is ours.” I’m still trying to wrap my mind around Vanessa using contraceptives. I know she’s reluctant to have Giulio’s child, but she said she’d always wanted children. She can’t be this shrewd.

That’s stupid. Of course she’d grab the opportunity to delay her pregnancy, because she doesn’t want to have Giulio’s child. But what she wants shouldn’t matter, and I’m heart-broken that she hasn’t learned that lesson yet.

Nobody gets everything they want in life.

Giulio glares up at me. “You still want to keep her around? After she fucking betrayed us like this? She’s been pretending for weeks! All those fun dates we had, every time we’ve fucked her… every time you fucked her, Damien. I know you want it to be my kid, but your delusions aside, I was kind of hoping she’d pop out a hairy beast with your eyes.”

My chest tightens, and I avert my gaze from Giulio. “That doesn’t matter, Giulio. She can make me wear a condom, and it wouldn’t make a difference to me.”

“Blah blah, you want it to be my kid. But it makes a difference to me.” Giulio’s voice is surprisingly harsh. “What if I don’t want a kid of my own? What if I just want to raise yours? Vanessa was my gift to you. You were smitten the first time you laid eyes on her, and you deserve to have nice things. What she did was not fucking nice.”

I’m beyond touched. I know that Giulio values me, but sometimes it’s easy to forget that with how he enjoys making life difficult for me. I know he could easily have said, months ago, that Vanessa wasn’t worth the trouble.

“Giulio,” I answer sadly, “It has to be yours. Or Slayer’s. It can’t be mine.”

Giulio growls and stands up again, pacing over to me. “Why the fuck not?”

“You must know already,” I say steadily. “You’ve suspected. You aren’t this dense.”

There’s a tense silence between us, one where Giulio searches my expression for something. I’m not sure if he finds it, but he turns away with a frustrated sound.

“Spell it out for me,” Giulio demands.

I wonder if this is him lashing out, wanting to hurt me. But I sigh and respond. “You’ve noticed I don’t have relationships of my own, despite how much I want… I want children.”

I’ve wanted children for as long as I can remember. Back when I was younger, I would take care of my younger siblings. I would still be helping them out now, if my family hadn’t cut ties with me after I joined the Pavone famiglia and started working my way up in the organization.

I’ve looked them up since then to see how they were doing. Both of my younger sisters are married and have kids of their own, while my younger brother has been in a steady relationship for years. There are pictures of family gatherings with a lot of happy, playing children, a far cry from how we’d all grown up.

It’s something I’ll never be a part of.

“I can’t have children, Giulio,” I say quietly. “I’ve tried. But I’m sterile.”

I don’t remember how the doctor told me, only the sudden, overwhelming despair at hearing the news. All of my dreams, gone with just one test. Relationships seemed pointless after that. Why bother, when I’d never have what I wanted most out of one?

“That’s why it doesn’t matter if she’s been using contraceptives with me.”

I’m startled when Giulio comes close behind me and rests his head against the back of my shoulder. “Why was this such a big secret?”

“I don’t know. I don’t like talking about it.” It hurts to think about, even. “I just want to see a woman swell up with a child for me. But it’ll never be mine.”

“See,” Giulio says, lifting his head. “This is why I’m extra pissed at Vanessa now. You’ve been waiting how many fucking years for this?”

I turn around to face him. “I can wait a little longer for it, Giulio. You’re both still young.” I want to tell him not to be mad at Vanessa, but I’m too hurt for that. “And maybe…” I nearly choke on my words. “Maybe she’s too young to be a mother. Maybe this is a sign that she isn’t the right one. Maybe we need to just… let her go.”

My eyes prickle a bit to even suggest it, and I brace myself for Giulio’s agreement.

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