Page 86 of Ruining Vanessa

But I let go, and Vanessa immediately pulls her arm close to her chest.

“Hey,” I say, my voice flat. “Just so you know. If I find out you’ve done anything to compromise this... If you try to end this pregnancy on purpose…”

Vanessa stares at me like she can’t believe what I just said. “What? No! Never!” she says immediately. “I mean… I know I tried to prevent it, but…” She shakes her head. “No. I’d never.” She touches her stomach, resting her palm on it.

I don’t feel like myself when I reach for her, push her down to the floor. I cover her almost completely with my body. Her eyes are wide with fear, but I simply lean down to kiss her.

I keep kissing her, on her mouth, her cheeks, her neck, back to her mouth. I don’t do anything else, simply keeping her in place with my body while I try to get rid of whatever this emotion rising inside me is.

Vanessa shudders beneath me, but shaking, she wraps her arms around me and tentatively kisses back. She relaxes into my touch despite the discomfort of our position, and she seems just as desperate for answers as I am.

21

VANESSA

Giulio’s phone buzzes again on the nightstand.

I’d like to blame the sound for why I can’t sleep, even in his huge, comfortable bed and warm duvet, but the truth is that I wouldn’t be able to sleep either way. The truth is just too much, too immediate, and I can’t wrap my head around it.

I’m pregnant.

I always thought I’d have a family, but it had never included a mafia boss and his consigliere and his pet detective. It had been normal, in my mind, with someone else who worked an eight to five job and had the weekends off so we could spend time with our beautiful children.

There will be no peaceful life for this child. It will be a lonely one, and the only people around will be those with cruel streaks a mile wide.

And me.

It’s more important than ever that I play along with this farce, because I can’t risk them taking this baby away from me. They’d made it perfectly clear that they’re willing to lock me up until I give birth, then take the child away, and even though I’m not ready to have a baby… I’m ready to lose one even less.

The thought makes me feel cold inside. Giulio had insinuated that I might try to sabotage the pregnancy, and I’d been horrified by the thought. I’ve always staunchly defended any woman’s right to an abortion. I know it isn’t a baby yet, just a few cells growing into one, but…

It’s mine. I can’t do that to my own child.

But things go wrong all the time. What if something does happen? Will I feel relieved or devastated? I just don’t know.

Giulio is out cold next to me, oblivious to the world, and I want to elbow him just so I’m not the only one awake. At the same time, I feel like I need to be alone.

Buzz.

It has to be Damien. I don’t know what Giulio sent the first time, but it’s had his phone going off nonstop since—sometimes small buzzes from texts, sometimes longer ones indicating a phone call.

I’d feel bad for Damien if it wasn’t, well, Damien. He deserves to sweat it out a little. His fantasy is coming to life, and…

All right, so I do feel a little bad for him, but it’s not like I’m going to grab Giulio’s phone and try to unlock it to send a message to him.

The phone finally goes quiet, but that doesn’t give me any relief. The sun peeks through the curtain windows, and one sliver of light crosses over Giulio’s jaw. Asleep like this, he almost could be the handsome man I picked up at a bar.

I half-sob, half-laugh, at the thought. As if I’d ever gone to a bar on my own, as if I’d ever been bold enough to exchange numbers with a stranger. I remember my eighteenth birthday, when my sister had insisted we go out to celebrate in style.

In the end, she’d been the one to find some fun for the evening, and I’d had to take a cab home on my own.

Great. Now my eyes are tearing up at thoughts of Lucia. Is she going to get to meet her future niece or nephew? Will I have to explain to my child why they have no close relatives?

The doorbell startles me out of my thoughts.

I hold my breath, hoping whoever it is will go away, but it’s followed by loud knocking.

“Fuck,” Giulio mutters, pulling me closer. His eyes stay closed. “I’m still sleeping, Damien.”

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