Page 129 of Casanova LLC

He looked at me, but he wasn’t seeing me. He was only half here. “I wanted her more than life itself. She felt the same. I knew better than to ask. I knew better than to challenge history. So, she moved to Sorrento to be ‘closer to the grandchildren.’ Ten years, I have not seen her.” His eyes came back to the present. They looked into mine. “I made my decision as you have made yours. We do right when we honor the past. The family. Our fathers. We make them proud, as you have made me proud. To break tradition is to break the hearts of history, of those that sacrificed for us.”

“But those hearts are dead. Ours still beat. Silvia’s still beats. And Claire’s.” His face was inscrutable. Which made me even angrier. “But, whatever, you made your father proud, and I’ve made you proud, so fuck it.”

“Why you say it like this?”

“Because we are lying to ourselves. As if we did what we wanted! We sacrificed what we wanted to satisfy those who parented us. What kind of legacy is that?”

“Stop now. You make me upset.”

I did not stop. “You didn’t do what you wanted and you made sure I didn’t either. And that’s the right thing to do?!”

“Yes!” He banged the table. “Why you do this? If history is wrong, then the family is wrong. My father was wrong, his father before him was wrong, and I am wrong to make you…” A look of disbelief took over his face. Then he shook his head and, of all things, his eyes began to fill.

“What?”

He held up his finger, but it wasn’t meant to stop me as much as give him a moment for himself. Finally, he spoke. “I have done a terrible thing.”

“Forget it. Forget I said?—”

“I am such a fool. I hurt you as I have been hurt and why? Because I tell myself I love you so much? My father did the same. Fanculo! My father took my heart and I have taken yours. How did I not see this?”

I couldn’t speak.

I felt like a little boy again. He was supposed to know everything. He was supposed to have all the answers. He wasn’t supposed to be the one with tears in his eyes.

“I could not let you have your Claire, because then I would have to live with knowing I did not have the courage to have my Silvia. Fanculo!”he said again.

I felt the urge to take some responsibility lest he believe this mess was all his making. “And I didn’t have the courage to tell you to fuck off. To do what I wanted regardless. It’s easier to hurt ourselves than those who parent us.”

He shook his head. A teary, self-deprecating laugh escaped him. “You should knock me down for real!” He dropped his forehead against a fist.

My eyes began to water, as well. To see the man I’d spent my life worshiping realize the depth of his failing was yet one more heartbreak for both of us. “Come here, Jacopo.” He didn’t move. “I’m not going to knock you down. I want to hug you.”

“I am a shit uncle.”

I stood up. “True.” I went to him and pulled him to standing. “But you’re a good father.” I put my arms around him. He clenched my shirt and rested his chin on my shoulder. I felt him trying to contain his tears, as I tried to contain mine. I pressed him deeper into my chest.

This was the man I was closest to throughout my life and yet there had been a distance.

Maybe he felt he hadn’t the right to parent me.

Maybe our business relationship complicated things.

Maybe we never knew each other until now.

“Ti amo.”

“Ti amo, Sandro.”

“Maybe you’re my Forever, you ever think of that?”

We unclasped on a warm laugh and I looked at him. “I want to know more about Silvia.”

“I would like to speak more of her.” He wiped his face.

“When the decision had been made, did you just…go back to work?”

“After three months of suffering in Sicily.”

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