Page 49 of Until

As he parks on the street in front of my apartment, he turns to me, and I recognize the same hungry look as from the first night we met.

"Can I come in?" he asks.

"I really don't think that's a good idea," I say.

He nods and sighs deeply.

“I understand,” he says.

I think about how I’ve never been to his place and how funny he gets whenever I ask him about it.

“What about your place?” I ask.

“Oh, well, we’re right here in front of yours, and… are we talking about the same thing?”

“Yes, we are,” I say, feeling disappointed but at the same time acknowledging that he’s right. It makes no sense if we’re at my place already. I really have to stop overthinking. “I’m sorry. I know you want to. I want to, too; I’m just not ready yet."

"Is there anything I can do to help you feel ready?"

Yes, take me to your apartment, and then guarantee I won't fall in love with you if we have sex.

“No, I just need time,” I say.

I enter my apartment and lean against the door, feeling miserable for having to turn him away again, especially when I want him so badly, too.

But at the same time, I can’t help but wonder what he’s keeping from me. Whether he’s keeping something from me or not shouldn’t matter. I’m not supposed to be in this relationship because of my heart. Even if I can’t help falling for him.

I need to distract myself.

I grab a book and sit down to read, but my head just isn't into it. I keep trying, but it’s useless. After half an hour of reading the same paragraph several times, I close the book.

I turn on the TV, but I have no luck there either. I turn on a movie, but it ends up annoying me. I try a TV show, and that annoys me too. Everything makes me think of Ryan and how great he’s been.

Why can’t I just let things go and enjoy this?

Even listening to music doesn’t help. All I can think about is Ryan. I keep replaying things in my head. The incredible date, how I don’t know where he lives, how nicely he dresses, how he looks at me.

I keep thinking and rethinking and replaying to the point where I’m obsessing. I’m either thinking about how great he is and how much I’m falling for him or reminding myself that I can’t fall for him. Then comes my favorite part when I think about how something doesn’t add up with him. It’s a never-ending cycle of thought.

As I move around the apartment, trying to distract myself, doubt starts to creep into my head again. There are all these little signs that something in my relationship with Ryan isn’t right. I ignored them for a long time, but lately, I noticed them more and more.

But is it me? I want to blame myself for it since I started the relationship with an ulterior motive. But the reality is that other than sex, I hadn't held back at all.

I’ve been myself with him. I let myself fall for him from the first moment we met. And even though I knew I should protect my own heart, I didn’t.

I text Odessa, needing another opinion.

Carina: Hey, you busy?

Odessa: Not really, why?

Carina: Can you talk?

As soon as I hit send, my phone starts ringing.

"Hey, sis, what's up?” she says.

"I just got back from my date with Ryan, and I don't know… I just really need to talk."

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