Page 69 of Until

He shrugs. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Guessing you haven’t heard from her since then?”

“No, not at all. Thankfully. She’s one of the last people I want to hear from.”

“Looked like she was trying to talk to you before you and Ryan left.”

“She was,” I say with a nod. “She was saying something when I left with Ryan, but I couldn’t hear her. There was too much going on.”

“It was chaos,” he says. “And what about him? Has he called you? Did you tell him the truth?”

“I haven’t heard from him either,” I sigh.

I look down, trying to hide my feelings, but he lifts my chin with his finger.

“Always keep your head up. Never let them see how much you’re hurting, Carina. Never.” He steps back, and his face hardens. “I’ll reach out to Ryan and explain everything. I’ll make sure he understands this is all on me.”

“But it’s not. I’m just as guilty. I agreed to everything.”

“For a reason. A very important reason, your grandmother.” He shoves his hands into his pants pockets. “I have no excuse or reason.” He shakes his head. “At least nothing I want to discuss right now.”

His eyes shift away, and despite how much I try to get him to look at me, he won’t.

“You can’t have it all, Carina,” he says, his voice tender as he reaches for my hand. “It’s either him or me. And we both know where your heart is.”

I nod, feeling the weight of my sadness grow heavier.

“You’re right. I’m sorry if I led you to believe there was anything between us. I won’t lie. There were moments when I did think I could fall for you. And if I hadn’t met Ryan, then maybe things between us would’ve been different. But you chose me for Ryan for a reason. I don’t know what’ll happen now between me and him. I don’t know how real my time with him has been. But what I do know is that these past few months with you were special but in a different way. I really thought of you as a good friend, Alex. Someone I could talk to. Someone I could count on. Like a big brother. If that’s not what you want, though, I’ll understand. I’ll miss that. I’ll miss you.”

CHAPTER 26

Ryan

THIRTY-FIVE YEARS AGO

The soft beeping of the hospital machines fills the air. There were other people nearby, but I couldn’t hear them. I didn’t want to hear them. This wasn’t a place good for playing and that’s all I wanted to do.

Alex was ten years old, five years older than me. We sat in a corner of Mommy’s hospital room as our father spoke with one of her doctors.

Mommy looked as small as me in the hospital bed. The white blanket was pulled up to her chin, just like when she would tuck us in for bed. A bit of her bright pink pajamas peeked out from under the blanket.

Alex pointed to a colorful dancing giraffe in the book he was reading to me, but I wanted to know what the man in the long white coat was saying. I ignored my brother and focused on the doctor’s words.

“She’s had a setback,” the doctor said quietly. “I’m sorry, but the cancer is spreading too quickly. No amount of treatment is going to help at this point. She’s too weak. Any additional treatment could…” He shook his head, then looked at my brother and me before turning back to our father. “Our focus should be on making her comfortable now. We’ll be keeping her in this ward, but she’ll be under hospice care now. She doesn’t have much time left.”

Father lowered his head but said nothing. The doctor walked out of the room. Father looked at Mommy and kissed her forehead before yanking the book out of Alex’s hands and throwing it across the room. Alex and I jumped from the thud the book made when it hit the wall.

“This is all your fault,” Father hissed, inches from Alex’s face.

Alex sat up straight as he held his breath as if he had physically felt our father’s jab or was waiting for it. He fought back tears as I moved closer to him, confused and scared.

“I… I didn’t have time,” Alex said. “I had homework, and--”

“Excuses! You know how much those drawings by you and your brother mean to her. She needed new ones, but it’s too late now. She’s going to die, and it’s your fault. Get out of my sight! I don’t want to look at you.”

The machine connected to Mommy suddenly beeped quickly and loudly as it flashed. Alex runs out of the room. Mom moaned as her hand reached out. I walk over and slip my small hand onto her palm. She squeezed my hand gently, but her eyes didn’t open. They rarely did anymore.

“One day, things will be better,” Father whispers to me as he pats my head.

I looked up at him. His green eyes were red and swollen, and his skin was pale. He hadn’t left Mommy’s side in months except to work or shower. He forced a smile, then turned away from me and smoothed out her blankets as the machine quieted down.

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