Page 67 of Until

Grabbing a pair of leggings, and an oversized t-shirt, I get ready to see Grandma and find out how she’s doing from all the follow-up testing.

I check my phone several times, hoping to see a message from Ryan, or even a missed call I somehow missed, but there’s nothing. Only voicemail and texts from Alex, neither of which I’ve listened to or read. Where’s Ryan?

I can’t call him. I can’t text him.

I can’t call him. I can’t text him.

I keep repeating the words to myself like a mantra.

I can’t call him. I can’t text him.

I can’t give in and call him. I just can’t.

I have no idea what happened yesterday. It’s all a blur. Why was Ryan there? Why was my mother there? Why did Alex want me to do this to his brother?

I push the memory of yesterday away and try to move forward.

After locking the apartment, I make my way to the nearest subway station.

The musty smell of the subway curls my nostrils as it always does. I rub my nose with the back of my hand to try to mask the smell. I’m able to walk right onto a train just before it leaves the station. I steady myself on the moving train before walking through to the next car and find a place to stand.

My shoulder bumps into the man standing next to me as the train jerks to life at the next station.

“Sorry,” I say as I look up at him.

He has dark hair, and a strong jawline. For a second, I imagine him wearing an intricately decorated green mask.

Nope, not him.

He grunts, ignoring me, and I sigh, annoyed with myself for hoping it could be Ryan.

I can’t call him. I can’t text him.

My heart sinks thinking about Ryan and our breaking up. My body feels heavy, as if weights have been draped over my shoulders. I should have stayed in bed. My eyes begin to sting and I blink away the tears.

I can’t call him. I can’t text him.

I can spend the day wondering why he was there or why my mother was there, but I did that enough yesterday, and it didn’t help me feel any better. He lied to me. Who is he really? Do I know him? Was all of this just an act for him? That should be enough to make me move on from him.

But it isn’t.

I miss him. It’s only been a day, and I feel empty now without him. I check my phone again, but still nothing. I hover over his name, wanting to call him, but I can’t.

I can’t call him. I can’t text him.

I don’t even know what to think anymore. Is this my fault? I knew it wouldn’t last. That’s why I agreed to ending the relationship. He was too good to be true, and Grandma could get the support she needed.

But deep down, I always held out hope that something would change so Ryan and I could be together.

Now I’m not so sure.

I exit the subway at the stop closest to the hospital Grandma is at for the testing and climb the stairs to the outside world. The day is perfect with flowers blooming, and just enough heat to remind me that summer is here.

The hospital is quiet, clean, and comfortable, unlike the original, run-down hospital that is next to our apartment, where my grandmother had most of her treatment until recently. As I approach Grandma’s room, I hear her talking, and I walk a little faster, hoping I can hear from the doctor how her tests are going.

I turn into the room and gasp as my stomach drops.

“There she is,” Grandma says with her arm outstretched towards me, waving me to come closer.

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