Page 61 of Until

I pull up my long hair and use the comb to fasten it in place. I don’t know how he feels or what he thinks. I only know my own feelings for him. And I know that after last night, I need to end it. No matter what happens with Alex and what I owe him, I need to do the right thing with Ryan and end it because I didn’t go into our relationship with good intentions.

As much as I want to convince myself that Ryan only wanted me for one thing, I know that isn’t true. I know there's more to him, and I know what we shared last night is special.

I hear movement in the next room, so I open the bathroom door and step out. He sits up. His eyes briefly take in my body before settling on my eyes. A smile spreads across his face.

"Good morning, beautiful," he says. "Come back to bed. I'm not ready for the day to start yet."

My doubts swim in my head. Is he for real? Does he really care? I can't know for sure. But a big part of me hopes that he's just playing me. Because I can handle my being hurt, but I don't want to hurt him.

"You know, Carina. There's something I've been wanting to tell you for a while now. And I don't know why, but I've been afraid to. There's so much I want to share with you about me that I don't know where to begin. But these past five months have been amazing. And even though I've never said this before to anyone, I know now that there is a reason for that."

I can't breathe. I'm hearing his words, and without him saying the most important ones, I know what he's trying to say. It's as if he has been reading my mind all along. I can't let this go on any further.

"Stop," I say. I put my hands up, wanting to touch him, but I can't. That would only make things worse. Tears begin to well up in my eyes, and my breath catches in my throat. I turn away from him. I swallow hard. "I can't."

The words won’t come, they’re stuck in my throat. I open my mouth to say more, but nothing comes out. I take a deep breath to steady myself. I reach into my hair and pull out the hair comb. Without looking at it, with my eyes turned away from him I push the comb towards him.

He sits up further in bed. He takes the comb from my hands and shakes his head.

"What are you saying?" he asks. "Are you breaking up with me?"

I still can’t speak, but I know I did the right thing. I quickly get dressed.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I didn't want things to be like this. I I I just can’t. I love you too much to hurt you more than I already have.”

I run out of the room, into the hallway, then into the kitchen. My grandmother's coffee mug sits in the sink. And I realize I have no place to go. This is my apartment.

Like a gust of wind, Ryan stormed out of my bedroom and, without looking at me, headed out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

What did I just do?

Numbness overwhelms me. I walk back to my bedroom and notice he left the hair comb on my dresser on top of a note.

What I was trying to say is that I love you. Nothing will ever change that.

The tears take over and spill freely down my cheeks as the ache spreads through my chest. I realize why it’s called heartbreak. The ache twists into pain as my heart feels as if it’s splitting into pieces.

I slip the hair comb into my pocket and decide, like pulling a Band-Aid off quickly, I need to get to Alex’s and tell him I did my part of the bargain.

I walk into Alex’s home and call out from the foyer.

“I did it! I hope you’re happy!”

A sob escapes my lips as he enters the foyer. His face looks devastated to see me like this.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I never wanted you to get hurt.”

“Why are you such an asshole?”

He tries to console me by putting his arms around me, but I push him away. He persists, and I cry into his chest as his arms wrap around me before I push him away again and then run to the nearby powder room.

The doorbell rings.

I pull the hair comb out, the only thing I’ll really have to remember Ryan by, and I twist up my hair and put the comb in.

The doorbell rings again, and I yell into the foyer.

“Reggie!”

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