Page 55 of Until

With Odessa working extra hours at John’s, she lets me borrow her car so I can drive up to Alex’s.

I have been driving up there regularly just to get some space from the city, and even though he hasn’t mentioned it again, I know the offer for Grandma and me to move in is still on the table.

It’s definitely a tempting offer, especially as I have gotten used to having so much space available to me, but it doesn’t feel right. Plus, how would I explain to my boyfriend that I’m living with another man? Even if things are strictly platonic.

Regardless, it’s time. I need to end this deal between Alex and I. I can’t continue the way things are, knowing I’m going to get hurt by breaking things off with Ryan. I need to think about me. Alex will have to think of another way I can pay him back for everything he’s done for Grandma and me.

Once I arrive, I let myself in and go straight to the library, where Alex spends most of his time.

“I need out,” I say as I enter the room.

“Well, hello to you too,” he says.

“Hi.” I sit on one of the cushioned chairs facing his desk. He’s standing and turns to face the window, turning his back to me. “I need out,” I repeat. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“But you have to do it,” he says. “How else will you pay for everything I’ve done for your grandmother?”

“I don’t know,” I say, my voice soft. “Maybe I can be your assistant. Or even your landscaper,” I say, thinking back to my joke to Odessa when I went to Alex’s house the first time. “Or maybe you can just call us even out of the generosity of your heart.”

Alex laughs as he turns to face me. “The generosity of my heart. It’s as if you don’t know me at all.”

“I’m serious, Alex. Call this off.”

“Why? Because you’re falling for him? You don’t even know him. You’re falling for the idea of him. You’re falling because he’s attractive. You’re falling because he’s easy; he’s not complicated.”

“Not complicated? Yes, he’s not complicated. I never have to guess what he’s thinking or worry about what I’m going to say to him. And I sure as hell don’t have to worry about him destroying another person on a whim.”

“Oh, boo hoo. Sometimes people do stupid things, okay? Even I can admit that.”

“So you’ll drop it? Because it’s stupid. I don’t have to continue?”

“I never said that,” he says. “I’m just aware of what it sounds like. I’m very aware of what I’m doing. And if you knew the whole story, it would make sense to you, too. Is it vengeful? Spiteful? Yes. I know it is. But could I do this without you? No.” He turns back to look at the river and puts his hands in his pockets. “Has he told you he loves you?”

“No,” I say softly, feeling hurt admitting that.

“I’m sure he does.” He turns around and walks over to me. He perches on the corner of his desk, tilts his head to the side, and the corners of his mouth perk up into a smile even though his eyes look sad. “He definitely does.”

“Are you making fun of me? How can you even say that?”

Alex sighs, and I see his tough-guy facade crumble further.

“You don’t get it, do you? You don’t see how difficult this is for me,” he says.

“For you? I’m the one in this relationship that I have to end. I’m the one who’s feelings will get hurt. I’m the one who will end up with a broken heart!”

My voice shakes, but I push forward, trying to be strong.

“But at least you had something. You had time with him as a couple.” He scoffs as he shakes his head. “You really don’t see it at all, do you?”

“See what?” I say, my voice expressing how annoyed I am.

“You don’t see how much I love you, how I have loved you all this time. How the only way I could guarantee that he would fall in love was by finding the one perfect woman he wouldn’t be able to say no to. And that’s you. And this is my sacrifice. This is why it’s so difficult for me.” He gets up and returns to looking out the window. “You’ll complete this job no matter how guilty or hurt you feel. And if you decide to end our agreement, just remember that another will take your place with him.”

I get up, stunned and confused, not only about what I’m hearing but also about what I’m feeling. I’ve spent so long telling people that Alex means nothing that I realize I don’t know how I really feel. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself.

How did I ignore all of the signs?

As I approach him, I notice his shoulders are slightly slumped. He’s not filled with the confidence I usually think of when I see him. I put my hand on his back to comfort him.

---