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“Anyway, there’s a reason I called,” she said.

Oh, here it comes. I knew she didn’t call just to see how I was doing. She hadn’t changed at all. If anything, I was surprised to see that she was much worse.

As she started to talk, I felt like cutting her off and asking, ‘how much money do you want, Mom?’ Little did I know, money wasn’t what she wanted.

“Jim asked me to call you. He wants you to visit before he dies. He said he needs to talk to you.”

He needs to talk to me?No way. No fucking way. I couldn’t do it. I had only said no to my mother once before, and while she really wasn’t asking me for much, there was no way I could see the man who had caused me so much pain, even if he was dying.

“No, Mom. I can’t. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do that.”

“You’ve always been an ungrateful person. I don’t know what I did to deserve a daughter like you.”

“Ungrateful? Did he do something for me to be grateful for? You had to know the things he did, and you never once tried to stop it.”

“I bought him condoms, what more did you want?”

I felt all the air fly out of me like I had just been punched in the stomach. Did she just admit she knew? It made everything so much worse. I didn’t want to deal with this now or ever. I wanted to forget everything. Why couldn’t she just stay away and leave me alone?

“How could you?” I shrieked.

“He was my husband. You always stand by your man,” she said flippantly.

“Is that what you’re doing now with Johnny?”

“That’s different. Jim can’t perform his husbandly duties anymore.”

She was lucky we were having this conversation over the phone. I had no doubt in my mind that if we were talking in person, I would hit her. Hard. Repeatedly.

“I can’t believe you, Mom. I really can’t believe you.”

I wanted to be shocked by her, but it really was just how my mother was. None of it really surprised me at all. Deep down, I always knew she knew. I always knew she didn’t care about me.

“So are you coming or not?” she asked. “You can stay in the guest room.”

I shook uncontrollably as I listened to her voice. I had never spoken back to her, I had never defied her. I was always afraid of the consequences from her or from Jim. I spent my childhood living a life of fear. But hearing her after all these years and realizing that nothing had changed, and how little she really cared about me set me off.

“Aren’t you listening to me?” I said, my voice calm, but forceful. “For years I felt like you hated me. I felt like I didn’t matter. I thought all you cared about was pleasing Jim and you didn’t care what you sacrificed as long as he was happy. You scarified me, your own daughter. How could you treat your daughter like that? You’re my mother. You were supposed to protect me.”

I blinked back the few tears that stung my eyes. I had cried so many times before about my mother and Jim that I didn’t have many tears left. Plus, things were different now, I saw my mother for who she really was.

“I’m sorry you feel that way, Rosalie,” she said, her voice lacking emotion like always. “Jim loves you, he always has. He always talks about that time when you were five and he found you in the parking lot skipping school. He thought you were such a beautiful little girl. But you were always just a little bitch.”

“I wasn’t skipping school. What five year old skips school? You just believed what you wanted to believe. You let that monster into our lives, and you didn’t give a fuck how he treated me as long as you got what you wanted.” I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth, but they felt good. I wasn’t going to stop. “I made a promise to myself years ago, when I left home, that that was the last time I would see Jim. And I’m not going back on that promise,” I said. “Remember the nightmares I used to have? The ones that took place in the same parking lot he claims he found me in? Since I made that promise, I haven’t had them. The nightmares ended. I’m sorry, but there’s no way I’m flying out to see him. Or you. Ever.”

I felt a rush of peace come over me. I was finally having my say, and I couldn’t stop the words flowing from my mouth if I wanted to.

“You know what?” I continued. “I’m glad he’s dying, and you’re leaving him all alone. When your time comes and you’re all alone, remember how you treated the people you said you loved and how selfish you always were. When you reach out to me asking me to help and take care of you when you’re old, think about how you sacrificed me to someone you couldn’t even be there for while he was dying. Remember that. Because one day as you’re taking your dying breath, I won’t be there to remind you.”

I hung up the phone before she could respond, and before I could apologize for saying such horrible things to her. All I ever wanted was a mother. Someone to care for me, think about me, protect me like a mother should. That wasn’t her, and it never would be.

She wouldn’t apologize or say the things a mother should say to her daughter. It wasn’t how she was. She cared more about herself than anyone else.

The years I hadn’t spoken to her had changed me. I was finally in control. It took me years, but I realized I was someone that mattered and not some piece of shit like she and Jim always told me I was. I didn’t need to have my mother in my life. No one needs a person like that in their lives, no matter what the relationship was. I was better off without her.

My body vibrated with the anger and pain from the past. My chest hurt like a vise was squeezing it. Slowly, I walked back into the living room where David was focused on the television.

“There you are,” he said. “Where’s my kiss?”

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