Page 28 of Forbidden

“Calm down,” he said, holding his hands out. “I heard you crying. You sounded really upset and when you didn’t answer, I came in. Are you alright?”

I nodded, then burst into tears and shook my head. Sitting up, I pulled my legs up to me and then grabbed my pillow. Shane sat beside me and wrapped his arms around me.

“Nightmare?” he asked.

I nodded, unable to speak. He didn’t ask anything else, but I couldn’t shake the visions from my mind. I never told anyone how the nightmare related to my oldest memory. I couldn’t say the words, and it wouldn’t matter because none of it made any sense. But for whatever reason, I wanted to tell Shane.

As I looked up at him, he met my gaze and pushed my hair back from my face.

“Can I tell you about it?” I asked. “I don’t know if it’ll make any sense, but I think I need to talk about it.”

“You can tell me anything.”

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment, feeling safe in his arms.

“I’ve been having these nightmares since I was little. In the dreams I’m around five or six. I’m scared and hiding behind cars in a parking lot in the apartment complex we used to live in when I was little. The dream always ends with me being grabbed from behind and my screaming.”

“Did it really happen? Because I have nightmares of things that happened to me.”

“I don’t know. I wish I knew. I asked my mother about it once. I told her about the dream and she told me that Jim once found me wandering in the parking lot behind his apartment. This was before they started dating and he was her boss. He told her I was cutting school, but I always remember loving school.”

“Do you remember him finding you?”

“No, I don’t. My memory of that morning is fragmented. I remember him on the phone, I was standing with my book bag near the front door, and I remember the rocking chair next to me was rocking.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it. When I asked my mom if she remembered anything from that day, all she said was that I changed after that and I wasn’t the happy kid I used to be.”

“What do you think happened?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t think I want to know. I just wish the nightmares would stop.”

He held me tightly as I clung to him. I didn't know how much time had passed, but he slowly let me go and wiped a stray tear from my cheek.

“I’d better get back to bed,” he said.

“Please don’t. I’m afraid to fall asleep. Can you stay here with me?”

Shane’s eyes told me how much he was wrestling with what I said. I knew how he felt about us living under the same roof, how that made me forbidden to him, but I didn’t feel that way.

“I don’t know,” he said softly. “It’s hard enough to be near you like this. And you're so vulnerable and sad right now, I’m afraid of doing something and taking advantage of you. That’s the last thing I want to do.”

“You could never take advantage of me. If anything happens between us, it’s because I want it to.”

He held my hand and traced the lines of my palm with his finger. His fingertips were covered with dried paint in different colors.

“Were you painting?” I asked.

“Yes. I’ve never shown anyone before, but do you want to see what I’ve been working on?”

“I’d love that.”

Shane went through our shared bathroom to his room and came back with a painting on a square canvas he bought the week before. It wasn’t done, but it already had such rich colors and bold lines to it, I thought it was beautiful.

“I still have a lot of work to do on it, but it’s for you. I know your birthday is coming up and despite what a douche I’ve been at times, you never gave up on me.”

“Really? You’re making this for me?”

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