Page 4 of Something Like Sunflowers

She pulls at her sleeve in a show of nerves, which is crazy because she already has a job secured here, and I’m the one about to walk into the shark tank. At least it feels like it. I still can’t shake how anxious I am for this. I never used to get nerves before a performance or a pageant. Never once before a segment at Channel Five. So, why now?

“Devyn?”

I’ve been letting my mind wander like a dandelion again. I straighten the neckline of my dress. It still smells a bit like caramel and coffee grounds, but I think I used enough of the vanilla-scented foaming hand soap in the bathroom to make it seem intentional. I hope. I couldn’t get the big stain off the center of my dress even with the detergent pen I carry in my clutch for emergencies such as this one. But despite the universe’s incessant attempts to thwart my success today, I’m here, and I plan to put my best self forward and show the executives just who Devyn Lynn Campbell is.

Or wants to be.

“Right as rain!” I assure Bella. “Nothing I can’t handle.” I force a very practiced pageant smile, the one my mother habit-forced into me with ten years of Vaseline and Pixy Stix. I hated it then, and I hate it now.

It feels fake. Still, Bella exudes sincerity and takes my lie of a smile to her heart all the same.

I envy how nice she is. It almost annoys me. And I can’t figure out why.

But I’m prettier than she is. We can’t have it all.

As soon as I let the thought hit my skull, I regret thinking it. My skin prickles with shame.

I think things like that a lot.

I only recently noticed how bad it had gotten when I was talking to my brother last month. Even though we don’t see each other often, we still talk on the phone every week and text almost daily. Sometimes it’s just never-ending strings of reels back and forth for weeks, but last time we chatted, he basically spelled it out for me. I’m a bitch.

DEVYN: I hate when people who don’t deserve it, get all the good stories.

DUSTIN: Like you?

DEVYN: I’m serious! I worked so hard to pitch the story about the school board corruption in Valley County. You read my pitch! And they loved it so much that Megan Chamberlain gets to cover it. MEGAN CHAMBERLAIN.

DUSTIN: She’s hot, tho.

DEVYN: Her nose is so big it could cover the story on its own.

DUSTIN: Chill out, Dev. It sucks she got the story, but you still did some great work on that pitch.

DUSTIN: I’m sure you’ll get the next one.

DEVYN: Well, I’m quitting so…

DUSTIN: Don’t quit just because you’re salty.

DEVYN: I’m NOT salty. I’m JUST. I deserved that story.

DUSTIN: Did it ever occur to you that Megan might have written a killer pitch, too?

DEVYN: Whose side are you on?

DUSTIN: I used to be on my sister’s side, but I don’t know where she is lately.

DEVYN: wtf is that supposed to mean?

DUSTIN: You figure it out. Just know that you tend to quit and run away when things get hard.

DEVYN: Eff you. You know why I left.

DUSTIN: Still not sure why you haven’t come back, though. My little sister is still in there somewhere. Don’t lose her in the city.

I was madder than a rattlesnake after that conversation. Who the hell does he think he is, spewing bull-crap about quitting when things get hard? Things never got hard for him. He didn’t lose anything. He got to stay. But as my brother, he’s the only person I ever really believed. The only person who knows the real me.

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