I was starting to overheat from walking so fast, and my bag started to tug on my shoulders. My hair was in my eyes. The tires squealed as Ryan stomped on the brakes. He put the car in park and got out. I braced myself, expecting him to yell at me, bluster, demand I get in the car. But what he did was worse.
“Isabel,” he murmured, his voice soft, apologetic. “Please get into the car. I’m sorry.”
I couldn’t take that voice. It rang with sincerity. And I was predisposed to forgive him anyway because of the burn I had for him. That’s what it was- a slow, simmering, burn. Like a hot coal, turning cherry red. From the minute I had met him, I had wanted him. I couldn’t have him. I knew that. And for all my apparent Julia attempts at seduction and my guileless request at the house for him to be my first sex partner, I knew I didn’t have him and never would, because I could see it is his eyes. He felt sympathy for me. Kindness. Lust. But nothing more.
“I need to go to class,” I hedged.
“I’ll take you to class.” He took my hand in his.
It was a huge hand, warm, enveloping. My fingers felt small and delicate in his callused palm. He gave me a small squeeze and led me to the car. At the passenger side he opened the door, took my backpack off my shoulder and dropped it on the floor in front of my seat. I started to get in, but he stopped me.
“Hey.”
“What?”
He bent down and gave me a soft, brief kiss. It made me melt like butter. And made me want to have things I couldn’t have. All the things. I broke the kiss and got into the car, my heart thumping erratically, my palms sweaty. Ryan climbed inside and glanced over at me, pulling away from the curb as a car trying to pass honked angrily.
“You okay?” he asked. “Are we okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“I want to do it, you know. My answer is yes.”
I closed my eyes. He was about ten minutes too late. “I changed my mind.”
There was a long pregnant pause then he cleared his throat. “Why? Because of what I said? I didn’t mean it like that, I swear. Alejandro was getting under my skin and I never mentioned anything about you, about me, about what we discussed, to him. I was trying to get him to shut up.”
I wasn’t sure if that was the whole truth. I believed he wouldn’t share personal details about me with anyone else but I wasn’t sure that he wasn’t in fact just attempting to do me a favor. “It has nothing to do with what you said. I just changed my mind. I don’t want to have sex with you.” In case there was any doubt as to what I was talking about.
“You just changed your mind,” he said flatly.
“Yes. You said it was a big deal and you were right. You told me to sleep on it, but I don’t need to. It’s a bad idea. I don’t want to have sex with you.” Want and couldn’t were two totally different things, but I wasn’t lying. Not exactly. I realized that I couldn’t pretend I would be okay if we slept together once and never did again. I could say I knew it was just a hook up but I would make more. I would fantasize and spin everything he said into something more important than it was until I would veer into stalker territory.
“I heard you the first time.” I could see his knuckles turning white from his steel grip on the steering wheel. “Did you pick someone else? Someone like Alejandro?”
“What, no!” There was something satisfying about the jealousy I could have sworn I heard in his voice. But it didn’t change anything. “I don’t want to have sex with Alejandro.”
“Who do you want to have sex with?” His voice was low, even, but I could hear the intensity, the way he kept control over himself, his words.
It was yet another thing I found very sexy about Ryan. His discipline. He wasn’t a hot head. He wasn’t impulsive. He was quiet, thoughtful, loyal. Despite his issues with Mickey, he would never turn his back on him.
“No one.” But him. Just him.
“Not even me?”
I licked my lips nervously, not sure why he wasn’t dropping the issue. There was heat in my cheeks. “You need to turn here.” I pointed to the right. “You can drop me off in front of my classroom building.”
“Where can I park? I’m going with you.”
My relief that he was letting the whole sex issue drop was replaced by alarm. “You can’t go with me.” That was insane. I would look completely bizarre walking down the halls with a six foot five man who had no backpack or books on him. “You’re not a student.” Okay, that was obvious, but I was just trying to drive home the point that he couldn’t just stroll around campus. With a gun in his waistband. If security caught him, he’d be in a load of trouble, and rightly so.
“I’m going with you.” He found a spot on the street and parked. “We’ll have to hike it. I don’t have a parking sticker.”
“You can’t go with me. You’re carrying a gun. You’ll get arrested. This is a college campus.”
“I’ll leave my gun in the car.” Ryan leaned over my lap and popped open the glove box. His arm covered my entire thigh and knee.
I sucked in my breath because I couldn’t help it. Just him touching me casually did hot things to my insides. “Please don’t go with me. It’s really embarrassing. You’re going to look like my bodyguard.”