Page 41 of Regret

“Sweetheart, what are you doing out here?” my mom asks, walking out the front door of our home and sitting with me on the swing.

“I’m just thinking about things. About life,” I answer, resting my head on her shoulder and letting her run her fingers through my hair like she did when I was a little girl and sick or upset about something.

“And what exactly are you thinking that has such a sad look on your face, Hope?” she asks, resting her hand on my cheek until I look up at her.

“Mom, I love Dad. You know that as much as he does. And I get that you’ve been through some rough shit and for the longest time didn’t know if you were gonna die with every passing day. It took you a long time to let anyone in and trust those around you. I’m sorry you had such a horrible childhood. But, Dad takes his protection of us way too seriously. I can’t do a single thing and have no clue what I’m meant to be doing or who I am as a person because he doesn’t let us do anything. I’ve graduated high school and don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with my life,” I tell her honestly, my voice wavering as tears fill my eyes and spill over.

“Baby, your dad is just doing the best he can to protect you and Faith,” my mom says, taking his side once again as I look up at her.

I don’t ever want to come between my parents. The love they have for one another is unimaginable and what I aspire to find myself someday. However, he can’t keep me locked up and in the house and doing nothing without him losing his shit. I don’t have any clue what I can do to get him to loosen his tight hold over us. I’m eighteen now and there’s still nothing I can do to get him to loosen his hold so I can live my life. He won’t even let me move out on my own if it's not in the apartments the club owns just past the house Savannah and the girls lived in for so long.

“I know that he wants to protect us, but there’s no way I can live by his rules all the time, Mom. I want to move out on my own and discover myself and the path I’m meant to walk down. Dad will never let me go enough so I can. More than anything, I want to move to Pine View so I can get away from him and live my life,” I tell my mom as she looks at me in shock before masking her look again.

“Hope, I had no clue you felt that way. How long have you been thinking about moving away from Benton Falls?” my mom asks, her voice filled with the tears I know she’s trying to hold back from me seeing her cry.

“Almost as long as the boys found out about the new club and have been talking about moving there. If I tell Dad that’s what I want to do, he’s going to lose his mind and yell at me. Tell me that I’m not allowed to go there. He’ll think it has to do with some guy or something when that’s not the case at all. I mean, honestly, if he thinks about it rationally, he would realize that I’d be safer moving to Pine View with everyone else because I’d be watched and protected by them,” I state, finally getting everything I’ve held back for so long out in the open when it comes to my dad.

“Hope, I can’t tell you what to do. Your dad has reasons why he is the way he acts with Faith and you. No one will ever be able to change his mind about the way he protects you girls. It’s just his way,” my mom says, trying to once again defend him when I’m done listening to it.

“I’m sorry, Mom, but no. I’ve never met a single other man that takes things as far as he does. Even Uncle Fox doesn’t keep his girls locked in the house. They’re allowed to go out with friends, have friends, play sports, do more than go to school and come back home again. Faith and I have never been given any sense of freedom so we can make our own mistakes or experience anything. I’m surprised he let us go on the senior trip. And I know the only reason that happened is because Playboy and Sam went as chaperones. If they hadn’t gone with us, Faith and I would’ve been kept home and not allowed to go with our class. You can’t even deny the truth in that,” I state, standing from the swing and making my way toward the door. “I love you both so much and that will never change, Mom. But right now, I don’t want to be around either one of you. Dad will never change his ways and I will never understand why you defend him the way you do. I know you love him and will always defend him, but there are other ways to show that love.”

Before my mom can say another word, I head inside and close the door gently behind me. Yes, I regret the words I’ve just said to my mom but it’s the truth. She will always defend him to everyone around and he will never change his ways. My dad is a good man deep down and I know he will always protect us from the evil of the world. Unfortunately, he can’t always save the day and the more he holds me back, the more I want to leave Benton Falls to get away from him. Bypassing the dining room where I listen to my sister and dad talking, I make my way up the stairs to my room. Closing the door behind me, I make sure the door is locked before collapsing on my bed and letting my eyes slide closed as the tears continue to slide down my face and collect on the blankets under me. One way or another I’m going to talk to my dad and make him see how miserable I am with the way he treats us. It’s the only thing I can do.

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