Page 2 of When Love Is Lost and Found

I pick up the first page on top of the stack, immediately recognizing it.

"You went through my things?" I ask incredulously.

"Did you think I wouldn't find out?" she asks.

"Honestly, Mom," I say. "You know what? Never mind, it doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters," she says. "Now you think you can do whatever the hell you want."

I pick up the rest of the papers and attempt to put them back in the envelope, but my hands are shaking.

"I'm leaving tomorrow," I say. "I'm not doing what I want. I'm doing what I feel I have to do in order to make you happy. You'll never have to see me again."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"We both know how much you resent me. I figure my leaving will solve all your problems."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she says, looking down at her manicured nails before pointing a finger and adding, "What I do resent is you lying to me!"

"I never lied," I say calmly. "And we both know exactly what I'm talking about. You have resented me since the day I was born. I'm the one who kept you from going to college. I'm the one who kept you from being able to have more children. I'm the one who killed Daddy."

"That was an accident," she says without the slightest bit of conviction.

"I was driving," I say. "Trust me, you're not the only one who blames me. I blame myself."

When Mom's new husband, Rick, walks in the door, I breathe a sigh of relief, knowing Mom will cease fire so long as he's in the room.

"Hi, Sharon," he says, walking past me to kiss Mom.

"Hi, Rick."

"I'm sorry I couldn't make it to your graduation," he says. "I tried to get away but got swamped at the last minute. How was it?"

"It was fine," I say, smiling. "You didn't miss much."

"I still would've wanted to be there for you," he says.

"I know," I say. "Thank you."

Rick looks at Mom for additional input about the graduation, but Mom is too busy picking at a cuticle to notice.

"Can you still drop me off at the airport in the morning?" I ask Rick. "I have to be there by seven."

"Of course," he says. "I'll drop you off on my way to work."

"Thank you. I have to finish packing, so I'll say good night now."

"Have a good night," says Rick.

When I walk past Mom, she doesn't look up.

Once in my room, I let my emotions get the best of me. Feeling angry and overwhelmed, I start crying. I sit on my bed, clutching the papers tightly, realizing they're my lifeline but feeling like they’re a curse. I carefully sort them one by one until the copy of Jimmy's life insurance policy is on top. The check stapled to it is made out to me, Sharon Marie Hansen. The amount written in bold is like an offensive four-letter word: Three Hundred Thousand Dollars. I fold all the papers, put them back in the envelope, and slip them into my purse before pulling out the neatly folded letter in my billfold. I start reading it for what must be the hundredth time. I can recite it by heart, but I still like to read every word out loud, trying to picture Jimmy's handsome face saying every single word on it.

Dear Sharon,

I miss you so much.

I'm tired, sore, and hungry every day, but I'm loving every second of it.

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