Page 139 of More Than Words

“I...” I hesitated to continue. “She was with her father the whole weekend while I stayed at my apartment.”

“Are you still involved with her father? I thought you were in a romantic relationship with him.”

“Yes, I am…we are. At least I hope so. Things have been hectic with me transitioning back to work, and he had a family emergency over the weekend. Now I’m in New York on a work trip. I won’t see them again until late tonight. At this rate, probably tomorrow.”

He tilted his head to the side, and I tried not to feel like I was under a microscope, but as his dark brown eyes assessed me, it was difficult not to squirm. “And you feel guilty because your professional obligations took your attention away from your daughter?”

Was I that easy to read?

“Pretty much. I shouldn’t have dumped her on him, especially when he was dealing with his grandfather.”

“Did he ask you to take your daughter while he dealt with his family situation?”

“No.” I shook my head. I’d offered, but he told me to focus on myself. “He told me he was alright with me taking this trip.”

“And you don’t believe him?”

“Shouldn’t I have dropped everything to go to them?”

“Let’s reframe that. Would you have changed your plans if he asked you to?”

There wasn’t any doubt in my mind that I would. “Of course.”

“Then you need to trust your partner enough to communicate his needs with you. Is that something you feel comfortable doing with him? Have you shared your fears with him?”

“Which ones?” I joked, wiping my sweaty palms on my thighs. “You’re going to have to be more specific. What aren’t I afraid of lately?”

“Have you talked with him about any of your fears?”

Had I? He’d been comforting me for months, trying to take things off my plate to help me get through, but had I actually opened my mouth and talked to him? My eyes burned as I realized that while he tried to talk to me, I had internalized everything I was afraid of because if I voiced them, he might not love me anymore.

“No.” My voice shook, and I tried to keep myself from crying.

“And that is upsetting to you?”

“Shouldn’t it be?” I sniffed. “I feel like a terrible partner on top of a terrible parent. Maybe they both would be better off without me.”

“Do you really believe that?”

I took a deep breath and tried not to let the tears overwhelm me.

“It’d make their life a lot easier if I had my shit together. He said he wanted to marry me, but when he brought it up, I panicked.”

“Do you not want to marry him?”

“I do, but I’m scared. My first marriage didn’t end well. He left me with some deep scars and I’m afraid of history repeating itself. With how spectacularly I’m failing at everything right now, I wouldn’t want to marry me.”

“Shouldn’t that be something you let him decide?”

Was it really that easy? Adrian knew I was a disaster right now, and he hadn’t run screaming yet.

“It sounds like instead of trying to let him help you with your problems, you’re hiding them because you’re afraid they’ll push him away. Maybe if you both leaned on each other for support, it’d bring you closer instead of driving you apart.”

“Instead, I ran away,” I muttered, staring over the top of my laptop at the empty hotel room.

“Taking care of work obligations isn’t running away, but if you continue to keep internalizing everything, then yes, emotionally you might be. Maybe it’s time for you to run toward the people who matter to you, not away. Let them help you.”

Garrett talked me through some coping strategies, such as journaling and writing my feelings down to share with Adrian if talking was too hard. I still had a lot of work ahead of me, but for once, it felt like I might be able to see a way through.

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