Page 133 of More Than Words

“Your marriage ending was not your fault. You were dealt a shitty hand of cards, and the man who was supposed to be your partner was too much of a coward to stay when it got hard.”

“It’s not just him. It’s everything. Finley might not have been premature if I’d been better at managing my stress. It was my body that failed her. She’s so beautiful and tiny and everything I thought I ever wanted...but it’s so hard. She never stops crying. All day she cries. She doesn’t sleep. I don’t sleep. And every time Adrian comes home, and she immediately calms down, I hate him a little more. Then I hate myself for hating him. I don’t want to hate him...I...”

“You love him.”

Nodding, I reached for a tissue from the box on her coffee table. “I do. But he’s so much like Grant, I’m scared. What if he leaves me too?”

“Is,” she sighed, moving closer. She set her glass and mine on the table and pulled me into her chest. “He may have acted like Grant initially, but from everything he’s done for you, we both know he’s not him. He loves you, and I bet it’s killing him to see you suffering like this. You need to let him in.”

Adrian had never looked at me with disgust or pity like my ex had during the end of our marriage, but I wasn’t sure how long that would last. I was disgusted with myself.

“Maybe they’re both better off without me.”

“Girl, I love you...but shut the fuck up. You’re a hot fucking mess right now, but we both know you’re a badass. And I’ll be damned if we let any of this pull you under. Baby girl, you’re a fighter. And you’re going to fight for that baby, and that man. Maybe I should have pushed you harder back then. You have to talk to someone about this. Someone who knows how to handle stuff like this.”

“I’m talking to you,” I mumbled into her shoulder.

“While I will always be here for you, and I know you’d do the same for me. I can’t fix this for you. You have to want to fix it for yourself. Hiding from it is only going to make it harder. Tomorrow you are going to go home, and you’re going to call someone because I won’t let you self-destruct again. I can’t lose you either.”

“What if it’s too late? What if Adrian hates me now? What kind of person just abandons their baby?”

“Is,” she laughed, running her hand down my hair. “You’ve been gone for half a day. You hardly abandoned them. Maybe it’ll be good for him to see what you’ve been dealing with.”

“I should go home.” I wasn’t sure where that was. Adrian was at his apartment. Mine was a disaster area of half-packed boxes and the explosion of baby stuff. We were supposed to move in a few weeks, and I was so far behind it’d never happen at this rate. If that was even still the plan.

“No, you should get some fucking sleep. You’re exhausted. Take one night off and everything will look clearer in the morning. I’ll get you some PJs and then you’re going to let yourself get some rest.”

“But I can’t...”

“This is gonna sound way too profound coming from me, but you can’t drink from an empty cup, babe. Let the people who love you fill it.”

The soothing motions of her fingers combing through my hair were bringing the exhaustion to the surface. She was right. I was so tired I didn’t know how I’d even had the energy to get to work today, much less think I could make it through a business meeting. While she hadn’t said it, even Sloane had looked at me like she thought I was going to fall apart in the restaurant.

“Get your skinny ass up and go take a shower. You know where everything is, and I should have something clean you can wear in the top drawer of my dresser.”

Leila pulled me up from the couch, steering my weary body toward her bedroom door and playfully swatting my ass. It was the most action I’d seen in months.

“While I love you, I think we’re too old, and you’re too straight for me to help you shower. Go before you pass out.”

The hot water felt good on my scalp as I let it wash away the things I’d been holding onto for way too long. Leila was right. Maybe it was time to let go of everything from my past so I could find a way to move forward. For Finley. For Adrian. For myself.

As my oldest friend tucked me into her bed, I let myself sink into the pillow, unwanted tears soaking the soft fabric.

My phone hung limply in my hand, the text thread with Adrian open. He deserved more than this, more from me. But as my fingers hovered over the screen, I hesitated. Nothing I said to him now could convey what was going on in my head.

As my eyes grew heavy and I drifted off, I vowed I’d find the strength to fight through this. Because I couldn’t allow myself to go back to how things were before.

ADRIAN

Boston

I was sure I’d be worthless today, but since Finley did alright in the daycare yesterday, I decided we needed to go into the office instead of working remotely.

“Alright, little demon, time to get dressed so Daddy can be productive.”

Finley decided not to pull another impersonation of The Exorcist and settled into her car seat happily for the ride downtown. She was all smiles when I got her checked into the infant room and I sighed in relief that we’d made it through a night solo without me totally screwing up.

Leaning against the back wall of the elevator, I closed my eyes as it traveled upward, trying to tune out the other people as the car filled.

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