Page 123 of More Than Words

That was the question we didn’t have an answer to. Finley had been fine for the first twenty-four hours during her observational period, and we’d thought maybe we’d be able to take her home after the first week, but then she’d started refusing to eat.

When she started losing more weight than they were comfortable with, they admitted her to the NICU and started using a GI tube to feed her. Isobel had cried all night when she’d been discharged from the hospital, and we had to leave Finley behind.

She’d woken up the next morning bleary-eyed and exhausted, demanding we go back to the hospital, but I’d made her take a shower and eat breakfast before we headed back.

The nurses had warned us that NICU burnout was a possibility, but as the days wore on, Isobel had withdrawn further and further into herself. And while I tried to be strong and supportive, she almost seemed like she didn’t want me here half the time.

“I think having you here will be a good distraction. She hasn’t wanted to leave most nights, and she only sleeps when she gets to the point of total exhaustion.”

Hutch looked over at her hunched form and shook his head. “Has she talked to anyone about it?”

“The nurses gave me the name of some counselors available in the hospital, but Isobel totally shut down when they mentioned it.”

“Lena struggled with some postpartum issues when I got deployed. It’s hard, man. Absolutely tears you up to see them struggling, but just keep sticking with it. She may not admit that she needs your support, but don’t let her push you out. It may have taken a decade for Lena to cheat on me and end our marriage, but it was never the same after Pen was born.”

I wasn’t convinced it’d taken Lena a decade to cheat, but he was right. The only thing I could do at this point was support Isobel. Because I wouldn’t give up on her, and I couldn’t see my future without her. I didn’t want to imagine my future without her.

ISOBEL

Minneapolis

Leaning my forehead against the cold tile of the shower, I let the tears stream down my cheeks. The past month had been a nightmare. Adrian kept insisting that none of this was my fault, but it sure as hell felt like it.

My body was the one that failed to keep her inside longer.

My body not producing enough milk was the reason she started losing weight and had to be put on a feeding tube.

My selfish desire to take that promotion had put me in a position where I was worried I couldn’t give her the attention she’d need.

I’d brought her into this world, and I felt completely unequipped to help her navigate it.

“Is, you okay?” Adrian’s voice drifted into the fog of my brain, and I reached up to wipe the tears from my eyes. I knew it upset him when I cried, but when I was alone, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. “We’ve got about an hour before we need to head to the hospital. The nurses called and said she passed the physical and the last car seat test this morning. I booked us some tickets to go home on the direct flight from Minneapolis to Boston at six tonight.”

We’d been waiting for this for days—for weeks. Finley had finally started eating on her own, but one requirement for release from the NICU was a two-hour car seat test where they monitored her heart rate and oxygen levels.

Today was the fourth time they’d done it, and I’d almost lost hope she’d be able to be discharged. It was nearly the end of March, and I’d gotten to the point where I didn’t even know what day it was.

“Is?” The door closed, and I took a deep breath, trying to gather the energy to finish washing my hair.

Closing my eyes and trying to focus on my breaths, I slowly felt the tension leaving my body. Until a warm hand settled between my shoulder blades. Adrian didn’t speak as he gathered me into his arms, hugging me to his bare chest while his palm cradled the back of my head.

My shoulders shook as he held me, and I somehow appreciated that he wasn’t instantly trying to figure out why I was crying. These days, I didn’t even know why. Every time I thought we’d made some progress; we’d show up in her room in the morning and she’d had a rough night and the waiting continued.

Finley was more alert as the days passed, and such a sweet baby during the day. But at night, she cried, she refused to sleep, she wouldn’t eat; I was terrified when we didn’t have a team of nurses to step in, I’d fail her again.

Hutch and Adrian had tried to keep me distracted. They brought me snacks, and they made me take walks around the hospital if Finley was out of the room for tests. Adrian held me when I was tired, and Hutch would go buy us dinner every night, so we weren’t reliant entirely on hospital cafeteria food.

Having them both here was a godsend, but I still wanted to curl up inside myself and cry until I had no tears left.

“Did you wash your hair yet?” Adrian asked, his fingers combing through the wet tangles. When I shook my head, he didn’t even hesitate, lathering his hands and gently cleaning my hair, tipping me backward into the stream of the water to rinse.

My chest shook as he smoothed the conditioner into the ends, unable to hold back the tears.

“I know things seem like they’re overwhelming right now, but I’m here. However you need me, I’m here.” He pulled me back into his chest and let me cry, finally turning off the water when it started to cool.

He dried me off, combing my hair and wrapping me in a towel before he led me back into our room. He’d moved us from the hotel where the wedding was held into one a few blocks away from the hospital. As I stared at the polyester comforter, I finally felt relief that we’d be leaving this place. How families endured this for months was completely baffling. If I had to spend another day in this place, I wasn’t sure my heart would survive it.

“I packed your suitcase. We just need to put your toiletries inside it. Hutch went and got some more preemie clothes and a backpack diaper bag. It’s kind of disturbing how much my brother likes picking out pink shit with ruffles on the butt.” I was only half listening as he laid an outfit next to me on the bed.

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