Page 120 of More Than Words

Two hours later, our daughter was born with an impressive wail, announcing her arrival. She’d been tiny at 5 lbs 4 ounces, but the doctors had assured us she was doing extremely well for a pre-term delivery.

Isobel had cried while she held her, lifting the small baby to kiss her forehead, while I watched on, completely overwhelmed with an emotion I had trouble identifying as it was one I never expected to experience. Watching the two of them together—despite being terrified, our daughter had a fight ahead of her—irrevocably changed something inside me. I couldn’t imagine loving anyone more than I did at that moment.

It’d been years since I felt overwhelmed enough to cry, but my eyes watered and my chest felt like it was going to burst as she cradled our tiny bundle. She was so beautiful despite her chaotic entry to meet us, with a full head of soft, downy hair and tiny fingers and toes. She was perfect.

What felt like seconds later, the nurse had whisked her away, inspecting her before they tucked her into an enclosed bassinet. I watched helplessly as they wheeled her out of the room, hoping the nurses hadn’t been blowing smoke up my ass about her being healthy. My baby girl would be strong like her mother, despite the uncertainty we faced.

Isobel had fallen asleep after they’d gotten her cleaned up, the tears only tapering off as she fell asleep. I’d been watching her, trying not to cry. She needed—they both needed—someone to be strong through this. And while it killed me, I couldn’t take away Isobel’s fears, but I had hope that things would turn out okay.

A nurse crept into the room, whispering to get my attention. “Is Dad ready to visit his little girl?”

“She’s asleep, I can’t leave her without...” Isobel didn’t stir as we talked, completely exhausted.

“I can have an aide come sit until she wakes up. The doctor wanted to give her a chance to rest and recommended we hold off on moving her for a few hours. We’ll need to see if she’d like to pump until they give the all-clear to nurse. If you’d like to see the baby, they’ve got her settled into the NICU nursery for observation. The attending physician didn’t see the need to admit her to a bed yet. We’ll watch her overnight and probably most of the day tomorrow. But you can go see her now if you’d like.”

Nodding, I slowly slipped my hand from Isobel’s, following the nurse into the hallway. The floor was quiet, which made sense considering it was the middle of the night.

The sound of beeping monitors and crying babies followed us as we walked through the hallways, my mind focused entirely on what was about to happen.

I was a dad. Part of me had wanted to wait for Is to see her, but I didn’t want to leave the baby by herself. She’d had a rough entry into the world, and if her mother couldn’t be with her right now, I would be.

“She’s doing well so far. Her APGAR was an 8, which is high for a preemie. Definitely has a set of lungs. Which is good. If they’re strong enough to cry, they’re strong enough not to need a vent.”

I was quiet as I listened to her talk, following when she swiped a badge next to a door and it swung open.

“She’s got quite a bit of blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Longer than we thought she’d be after we got her uncurled to measure. We’ll have to watch her temperature since her body fat is low.”

“Do you think she’ll need to be in the NICU for very long?” I knew it’d likely be weeks until we could go home with her, but I hoped she wouldn’t be in the NICU that whole time.

“It depends on if she eats or not. If we need to use a GI tube, she’ll probably be in here for a week or so at least, but we don’t know until we try to feed her.”

“Doesn’t she need to be with Isobel for that?”

“We’ll let Mom rest for now. They like to start preemies on a special formula first sometimes. Just to make sure they’re getting the nutrients they need that mom might not be producing yet. The nurses can go over more when mom wakes up. We can give your wife something to help jumpstart her milk supply, but it may be a few weeks until the baby is ready to nurse on her own.”

She stopped in front of a door with little cutouts of pink and blue baby footprints.

“We can put you in a family room, so you’ve got some privacy to hold her. Are you ready?”

Nodding, I followed her through the door, listening to her directions on how to wash my hands. It felt like my body was on autopilot as she led me to a quiet room with a rocking chair and told me to sit and she’d be right back.

She returned moments later with a bassinet, wheeling it into the room and plugging a monitor stand into the wall.

“Is she okay?” While she seemed to be breathing on her own, she still had several wires hanging out of the blanket she was wrapped in.

“She’s great. We just need to monitor her temperature and oxygen levels, so these cords need to stay connected. I’ll get you set up. Are we planning to do skin-to-skin?”

“Can I?”

She nodded, pulling my daughter out of the bassinet and carefully laying her in my arms. Tears sprung to my eyes as I gazed down at her tiny features, amazed at how light she felt. She was like a delicate little angel.

“I’ll let you situate her. You can unbutton your shirt and unwrap the front of her blanket to lay her on your chest. Just don’t try to stand with her. Use the call button on her cart when you need a nurse to help you get her back into the bassinet.”

As I gazed down at the tiny little bundle in my arms, my throat tightened, and I felt the rest of my walls start to crumble. The same rush of warmth that flowed through me when I looked at Isobel was there, but this was something more. Something deeper.

I wanted to be a better man for this tiny little goddess in my arms, with her mother’s soft blonde hair and shining blue eyes that matched my own. Her mother had the potential to break my heart, but this little girl owned it.

And I was going to try my damndest to deserve her love. And show her the man I should be, not the one I’d been hiding behind.

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