Page 132 of More Than Words

“Shit, girl, don’t cry. Get your ass in here. I’ll grab the wine.” She stepped aside so I could enter her apartment, and walked toward the kitchen while I stood still in the entryway, trying not to turn into a blubbering mess.

“I can’t drink,” I mumbled, and she leaned over the counter, rolling her eyes.

“Half a glass won’t hurt you. It looks like you need it right now. Go sit, don’t just stand there looking like a wounded puppy.”

Placing my bag down by the door, I pulled out the small cooler I stored the pumped milk inside. “Can I put this in your refrigerator?”

“What you got in there?”

“Milk.”

She laughed, motioning for me to join her in the kitchen. “I’m gonna assume that it’s not from a cow.”

“I feel like one lately. Nobody told me I’d have to milk myself like ten times a day.”

“Fin still not cooperating with the whole breast-feeding thing?” I’d talked to Leila sporadically over the last few months, and she was great about asking how I was doing, but most of those conversations ended up with me unloading my problems on her. Yet another thing I was failing at, I was a terrible friend.

“Pretty sure she hates me. Why didn’t you try to talk me out of it when I told you I wanted a baby? I’m probably the worst mother in history.”

“I’ve never been a mother, but I know that’s not true. You’ve gotta give yourself some grace. You’ve had a rough couple of months, but you’re still trying. Dickhead have her right now?”

“Yeah.” I bit my lip, trying not to cry again, but my eyes watered. “I pretty much dumped her on him and ran this afternoon.”

“And I’m sure he was okay with that. You know he’ll help when you need it. I’m kinda surprised the guy hasn’t tried to put a ring on it, to be honest.”

“He did.”

“You’re engaged, and you didn’t tell me? What the hell, Is?”

Shaking my head, I reached up to wipe my cheeks, tears leaking in earnest now. “I said no. Or I think I said no. He asked me out of the blue while I was trying to go through work emails, and I panicked. I don’t even know why he wants to marry me. I’m a total shit show.”

“Maybe because he loves you. And he’s obsessed with you, and your adorable kid.”

“I know he loves Fin, but...” With how much I’d withdrawn over the last few months, and how distant I was throughout my pregnancy, I wasn’t so sure about me.

How could he love me when I couldn’t find anything to love about myself?

“Sit down,” Leila commanded, pointing to her couch. “Sounds like you need to finally unload some of that self-loathing.”

I couldn’t even deny that I loathed myself. I did. No matter how much I tried to pull myself together over the last six months—hell, for the last decade—something was always there to knock me back down. I was so tired of it. I was just so tired in general. Exhaustion seemed to follow me like a black cloud.

She joined me on the couch a few minutes later, silently handing me a wineglass that was a little more than half full and sitting on the opposite end.

“I don’t know where to start.” My voice was a broken whisper.

“I think that’s part of the problem, Is. You’ve been so fixated on what everyone else wants you haven’t permitted yourself to just live. You may have moved on from Grant, but you never moved on from what you perceived to be a failure on your part.”

Bringing my glass to my lips, I contemplated what she was saying. Maybe I was still carrying around the baggage of my failed marriage. I hated disappointing people. That was why I’d thrown myself into work for all these years. I failed Grant. I failed my marriage. I failed my parents and their expectations.

The one thing I hadn’t failed at was bringing other people’s stories to life. I gave other people the tools to make their dreams come true, and I was afraid to embrace mine.

“What if I can’t do this?” The weight of everything was crushing me. Motherhood. My job. Being a terrible partner. Being a terrible friend.

A year ago, I’d thought Adrian and his attitude were the problem. Now he’d shown me how caring and selfless he could be. The last person I thought I’d fall for was the one person keeping me afloat, so I didn’t drown. I was scared to contemplate what my life would even look like right now if I had done this on my own. But I’d failed at marriage once, so I was terrified it’d happen again, and if Adrian left me, I’d be crushed.

“What if you can? You have all the parts to create this wonderful life for yourself, and you refuse to stop beating yourself up for things that were out of your control.”

“But what if they were my fault?”

---