Page 131 of More Than Words

“It’s for milk. For a baby,” I explained. “For food.”

“You have to milk yourself in public when you have a baby?”

Unfortunately, sometimes yes. “Can’t you just feed it with a bottle or something? Why do you have to do that here?”

“You think I enjoy milking myself in a bathroom stall? Most places don’t have anywhere else for me to go. I’d probably get asked to leave if I tried to do this at the table.”

She didn’t answer, squinting as she watched me pack away the pump parts. “Where is your baby?”

“She’s with her dad.” Who I hoped didn’t hate me right now. Because I hated myself enough for the both of us.

“Ah. So, he’s babysitting so you can go out?”

“He’s her father. It’s not babysitting when it’s your own kid.” I hated it with a passion when people said that. Fathers were perfectly capable of watching their children while their partners left. And it wasn’t fucking babysitting.

“What else are you supposed to call it?”

She stared at me expectantly, and I was baffled that we were still having this conversation in this day and age. “Parenting. Would it be babysitting if I were watching her?”

The eyes of the girl next to her widened and I think she could tell I was teetering on the edge of my sanity right now. “We should probably go, Mills. The guys are waiting.”

Yeah, Mills. I’d like to wallow in self-loathing with milk stains on my shirt in a restaurant bathroom by myself.

Sloane was walking down the hall toward me as I exited the bathroom. I attempted to pull my blazer closed so she wouldn’t see my predicament, but I had a feeling she saw it anyway.

“You feeling okay? You’ve been gone a while.”

“I’m uh…” While the stains had started to dry, there was still a visible mark left behind. I would have to start carrying extra shirts with me from now on. This definitely wasn’t something they told you about in the baby books.

“Oh, no worries, Is. I can cover the rest of the meeting. These things happen. I know when I was nursing, I leaked through things during meetings all the time. I finally started wearing black blouses all the time, so it wasn’t as noticeable. You’ll get the hang of things. Whatever you need to do to be comfortable is a priority at work. If you need to nurse during the day, feel free to pop down to the daycare and take care of it.”

Sloane had always been a very supportive boss, but the fact she was more than willing to accommodate my rough start into motherhood brought tears to my eyes. I sniffled, trying to smile as I nodded, but as her expression shifted to concern, I was afraid she’d judge my ability to return to my job. But I needed something to focus on right now, desperately, because being a mother was so much harder than I thought it’d be.

“Why don’t you go home and get some rest? I’m assuming Adrian has the baby right now, so let him help you. It’s hard the first few months, and with her being a preemie, I’m sure it’s much harder than I went through, but you will get past this. Things won’t necessarily get easier, but you’ll figure it out. I promise.”

Unable to hold back the tears, I nodded, my throat too tight to talk. I think she could tell I was seconds away from a meltdown, and she stepped toward me, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“Rest tonight. Reset for tomorrow. If you’re willing to make the trip to New York with me, I’d really appreciate your help, but I understand if…”

“No,” I rasped, my voice wavering. “I need to try. You didn’t promote me to not do my job. I want to start getting back to what my duties should be. I need something to start going right.”

“I promoted you because I know you are a very competent employee, but I also know how hard it is to navigate being a woman in the professional world. It may take some time and adjustment, but I’m not worried about your work performance. You taking care of that sweet baby is a priority now too.”

Thinking about Finley and all the ways I was failing her had been my constant companion for the last few months. Adrian had tried to comfort me and give me space to work through things, but I just couldn’t let go of the guilt. It followed me around like a black cloud.

“Thank you,” I whispered, situating the straps of my bags on my shoulder.

“No need for a thank you. Feel free to work remotely tomorrow if you need to. Just pencil me in for a call in the afternoon to settle travel plans.”

I nodded, taking a deep breath after she let go of my shoulder and skirted around me to duck into the bathroom.

Once she was gone, I fought the urge to cry, not knowing how I’d continue to balance everything. She’d tried to give me an out from the trip to New York, but I felt like not going would let her down. I just didn’t want to let my family down either by leaving them.

Going home sounded like an impossible task right now, and the one place I really wanted to go seemed selfish, but I was going anyway. Because I couldn’t stomach facing Adrian—or Finley—right now.

“Hey,” Leila greeted as her door swung open, a confused look on her face. I’d shown up unannounced, but I needed to talk to her. She might not understand the stress of motherhood, but she was always a shoulder to lean on. And someone who wasn’t afraid to give me the truth. “You okay?”

“No,” I whimpered, shaking my head. I was so not okay right now.

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