“She already knows you’re here. But we can set up a private video call if you want. Or maybe you could go back to Boston with me once you’re done here?” he asked, looking a little nervous. “If that’s something you want, of course. I’m not sure how invested you are in doing this with me.”
“How will this…” I motioned between us, “…work after I leave? Can we even do something like this long-term if we’re a thousand miles apart?”
He nodded, pursing his lips. “There are people who have long-distance dynamics. We’d need to work out a schedule of when it’d be feasible to see each other in person, but I’m interested in seeing this play out. Our natural chemistry is something that I think could work well for us. This isn’t just about sex, sunshine, or even just playing. A real relationship with me would be the foundation for all of this. It can be a deep friendship or more. I’m not going to set limits on how this unfolds. But we’d remain in constant contact. No more ghosting.”
“And that’s what you want?” I asked, looking at my lap. We still only knew parts of each other, but I’d talked to him about things I usually kept closely shielded around others.
The only other person who knew I was infertile was my last boyfriend, Tyler, who had promptly left me after discovering my chances of conceiving after my miscarriage was nil. We found out my uterus was inhospitable—at least according to my gynecologist and several specialists—and he’d pushed me away. I knew I still needed to tell Nathan everything, but the way he’d looked at me last night and told me I wasn’t broken meant everything.
“Come here.” He held out his hands, pulling me across the couch and settling me into his lap. I leaned against his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around me, whispering into my hair. “Of course, I want you.”
“I want you, too,” I whispered, playing with the collar of his shirt.
“So, talk to me. Tell me about what you want from this. Tell me about you.” His warm body beneath mine made letting go of my nerves easier.
“I liked what you did with the tie.” Like wasn’t a strong enough word to describe the experience, but he got the idea judging from his deep chuckle.
“That wasn’t even scratching the surface, sunshine. Bondage isn’t something to be taken lightly. I studied for years to get to the skill level I’m at. It’s intense and can be scary, and you need to be in the right mindset to develop a scene with me. That kind of play isn’t spontaneous, and you must be prepared for the drop that can happen afterward. Aftercare can help you lessen it, but it will mess with your head the first few times.”
I nodded, listening to the quiet rumble of his voice. He was back into his somber persona, trying to clarify that I needed to take this seriously. “I think I can handle that.”
“You say that now, but once you see the imprints that rope leaves on your skin and the bruises I may unintentionally inflict on you, you might curl up in a ball inside the bathroom, crying so hard you can’t hear me calling your name, much less acknowledge the fact that anyone is there at all.” His low voice had a bit of a bitter tone, and I knew that things he’d experienced in the past hadn’t gone to plan.
“Sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”
“Maybe I am. But I know that there isn’t anything that feels like a scene that goes off flawlessly.” My neck tingled as his warm breath washed across my skin. “It can also crush you on a soul-deep level when one goes wrong, no matter how much you’ve talked about what’s going to happen.”
Chewing on my bottom lip, I contemplated his words. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to scare me or maybe talk me out of this. “Are you trying to persuade me not to do this? I understand this will be different from what we’ve done before. What I’ve done before.”
“I just want to clarify that while giving someone that much power over your body can be exhilarating, it can also be a little terrifying. The amount of trust you would need to have in me would be something different than you’ve probably shared with any other lover.”
Nodding, I leaned back, cupping his cheek, “You aren’t any other lover to me.”
“Kelly…” he smiled, turning his face to kiss my palm.
“I mean it. I feel close to you even if you won’t touch me. That first night…” I trailed off, goosebumps forming at the thought of everything that had transpired between us, from the tie to the shower where he helped gently wash the layers of hairspray from my hair to having to say goodbye to him and not wanting him to go. Then everything that happened last night. It was overwhelming, but I wanted more.
“Was intense, and you liked it, which is why you need to know what you want from me. I’m not a mind reader, and I’ll make mistakes, but I need you to trust me not to hurt you. Emotionally or physically,” he smiled, a naughty grin overtaking his features. “Unless you ask me to.”
“You mean like spanking me?” I laughed, remembering what it’d felt like to have his large palm connect with my skin.
“Yes, but there are times when I’m going to need to correct your behavior for your own good, and you will know it’s coming, but I need you to trust that it’s all for you. I don’t like punishing my subs, but crossing some boundaries will warrant correction. And spanking is only a small way to get my point across.”
“Even if I tell you to stop?” I probably would tell him I wanted more, but I wasn’t sure how much I could take.
“It doesn’t work like that, Kell. If you use your safe word, I stop, help you come down, and the scene is done, but…” He paused, shifting his hips as he held me.
“But?”
He turned me to face him, leaning back into the couch cushion as he balanced me on his thighs. “But then we’ll need to talk about it. You will have to be completely honest with me about why you put a stop to things. And if you want to walk away from the dynamic because of that conversation, I’ll have to let you.”
Nathan talked as if we already had an expiration, or he expected me to walk away from him. Yes, it was intimidating, but I was committed to exploring this with him. “You make it sound like I have more power than you.”
“It’s not about one of us having more power, sunshine. It’s a power exchange. It’s about trust, and if you don’t trust me, you shouldn’t agree to that power exchange.” He paused, looking into my eyes. “And I shouldn’t ask for it.”
Staring at the soft flannel of his shirt, I contemplated his words, knowing that this whole situation involved a tremendous amount of trust between us. I could see it developing already, but it was a lot to process.
“And if I don’t want to be in a dynamic with you?” I did, but I needed him to answer the question, even if I already knew the answer.