Page 117 of Mark my Words

Oh, I don’t flipping know, Sam. Maybe because my long-dead heart is lying on the floor of Sloane’s office along with my dignity.

Instead of biting his head off—like I wanted to—I started crying. Loud, gut-wrenching, ugly sobs escaped my mouth as I clenched my eyes shut and pressed my entire body back into the door.

“Shit,” Sam hissed as he cupped my face with his hands, pulling me forward and moving to wrap his arms around me. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t see any other way. I couldn’t let you give up your dreams for me. I couldn’t make you go to New York either. Then when she told me that was no longer an option anyway... I’m so sorry.”

His voice sounded as defeated as I felt, but he’d underestimated me again. I would have. I would have gone to New York or waited for a different position. I would have pushed my career goals aside for a little while, changed my course, or made any number of different compromises if it meant I’d get to see where this relationship with Sam went.

“Shhh,” he whispered into my ear as my arms hung limply at my sides. There was no way I would clutch at him desperately and beg him to stay.

My sadness was quickly morphing into anger. Complete and utter frustration at his unilateral decision that blew up both our lives. How dare he?

“Let me go.” My voice was low and rough, but he stepped back, grasping my shoulders. As my eyes opened, I saw his frazzled appearance, and my anger ramped up a notch. “Don’t fucking touch me.”

“Kris, I...”

“No.” I shoved my hand into the center of his chest, causing Sam to stagger back a little, his hands releasing my shoulders. “You don’t get to touch me, not anymore.”

He nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets and looking like a dejected puppy. If I weren’t so fucking angry with him, I’d laugh, but right now, I wanted to knee him in the junk. How dare he make this kind of decision without even mentioning something to me? I knew it was his career too, but was he fucking kidding me? He decided to move halfway across the country instead of risking the chance he might not get this promotion. He was just as bad as my father. Okay, not that terrible, but still. He should have said something. I thought that we... I’d convinced myself I was in love with him sometime in the last few days, and now...now that was all for shit.

“I’m sorry.” His head was angled down, shoulders slumped forward.

“So you’ve said. But I don’t think that makes any fucking difference right now. You didn’t even tell me. What does that say about me? You can’t trust me enough to talk about this before making this kind of rash decision. You let me think you were falling for me, Sam.” My voice cracked a little, but I was still going to hold onto being pissed about this corner he’d backed me into. “And the scary thing is, I thought I was falling for you too, but obviously, that’s a fucking joke.”

“It’s not a joke. I am falling for you. I’ve pretty much fallen,“ he confessed quietly, shyly looking in my direction. Goddammit. Those damned blue eyes of his were making it hard to remember why I was so fucking livid with him.

“No.” My voice cracked again as I stepped back, flattening myself against the door. What I wanted to do was wrench it open, make a break for the elevators, and never come back into this damn building, although it’s not like he’d be here anymore to remind me why I was such a fucking idiot.

“You don’t get to tell me how I feel about you.” Gone was the shy apologetic Sam, a fierce look of determination taking the place of the puppy dog eyes. “You have no fucking idea how horrible this decision was to make.”

“Oh, please,” I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest. Normally, I’d adopt a stance like this to intimidate people, but I was fairly sure I was using it to hold myself together right now. “If it were that hard, you would have said something. Or were you too busy fucking me to consider how this might fucking destroy everything?”

“That’s not what happened...”

“Are you kidding me? Of course it’s what happened!” I shouted, no longer caring that Carson probably had his ear pressed up against the frosted glass in the hallway. “You made this decision for you, Sam. Not for me. You would have talked to me if you were making it for me. I was ready to go to New York for you, but no...you had to be secretive and blindside me.”

“You were doing the same damn thing!” Sam started pacing in the small area in front of Isobel’s desk, his jaw clenched, and his hands balled into fists at his sides. “I knew you didn’t want to go to New York. I saw firsthand how horrible your life there would have been. You tried to convince me you stayed in the running because Isobel wanted you to, but I knew you were doing it for me.”

“You didn’t tell me about Chicago, you fucking asshole! It’s a thousand miles from here. How exactly did you think that conversation would pan out for you? My decision only potentially took me a few hours away, not halfway across the country!”

“I didn’t have any choice!”

“Bullshit. There’s always a choice. My opinion just didn’t matter enough to you.”

Angrily swiping at the tears that were continuing to leak out of my eyes even though I was furious, I felt my throat closing at the thought that this may be the last time I saw him. I’d only worked briefly on one project in the last few years with someone from the Chicago office, and it was entirely through email correspondence. When Sam finally went, he’d be gone for good, and if this conversation indicated anything, I wasn’t likely to see him again. The thought was enough to bring me to my knees.

If I questioned my feelings before, I didn’t now. I loved him. But I didn’t mean the same to him.

“Of course it mattered. You matter to me. Sloane told me that Meg’s husband’s transfer fell through, and she was considering staying on in her current position.“ He paused, running his hand angrily through the dark hair on the top of his head, shaking it roughly before he exhaled. “She told me that the panel wanted me here, but they had an editor leaving the Chicago office. You weren’t going to get the promotion if I didn’t leave. And then you told me you’d never want to make the mistake of getting married, and I panicked. Instead of risking you walking away from me, I selfishly chose to protect myself. Because you were going to break my fucking heart.”

“So instead, you broke mine.” The air in my lungs escaped in one heavy exhale, my body deflating even further as I leaned heavily against the door behind me. I didn’t get the job. He did. And he gave it to me. “Fuck you, Sam.”

“Chicago is only a few hours from my family, and I knew how much you were looking for a chance to prove yourself. I didn’t want to be the reason you didn’t move up since they gave the other job here to Amanda.” He paused as he stepped forward, tilting his head to look into my eyes. “I didn’t want you to hate me because I got the job, so I took the other one.”

“But...”

“But you hate me anyway, so I guess it doesn’t matter because we both know you would never let me into that locked-up heart of yours. I shouldn’t have to beg you to love me.”

“That wasn’t your choice to make. For someone who said he could never despise me, you clearly couldn’t love me either.”

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