Page 45 of Tempting Fate

Time to get my head back on straight. Time to bury the memory of my betrayal. Time to push today’s events into the dark recesses of my mind where the rest of my nightmares hide.

Those pleas I leave unsaid.

“Wish I could give you that,” Zeke tells me a heartbeat later. “Can’t let you gloss over things, though… we both know what happens when you bury the truth.”

He leans over me to softly trace the scar at the bottom of my calf.

It’s from the surgery to fix my broken ankle.

I swallow down the bitter taste that his reminder leaves in my mouth and concentrate on my breathing. If I keep thinking about Alex, what he did to me all those years ago and again today, Zeke’s reaction, and my twin’s heartbreak when he returns home to find out what’s happened in his absence, I’m going to slide back to square one. My PTSD triggers will spike again, the need to grab a razor will overwhelm me, and my foray back into a world where I believe I have a future will abruptly end.

I don’t want to backslide, however, I fear it may become unavoidable.

When Zeke lies down behind me, I roll as far out of his reach as I can. “You should get back out there. Sounds like there’s a good party ramping up. Fret will get his guitar out soon, no doubt. The stripper poles will be mounted once the women and kids are asleep. Fun. Fun. Fun.”

The pounding music and laughter coming from the bar is proof that everyone is making the most of lockdown, my latest crisis be damned. It’s mean, and I know he’d never do it, but part of me hopes that Zeke will allow it to entice him to leave me alone.

Maybe he can find a cut slut to occupy his night?

Then we’ll be equally disloyal when we face each other in the morning.

I can excuse my strip tease for Alex.

He can console himself with the knowledge he one-upped my betrayal.

Of course, Zeke doesn’t leave me.

He doesn’t have an ounce of quit in him.

It’s something I both love and hate about him.

Instead of stalking off like a normal man, he snags hold of my hips and gently pulls me backward until he’s spooning me from behind. Zeke stripped down to his boxer briefs before he climbed into bed with me, and as undeserving as I feel aside, I can’t ignore the warmth of his body against mine and the way the tension leaves my frame as I immediately melt into him like he is my home.

We lie together without speaking.

Our synchronised breathing is the only sound in the room.

I fight the darkness that’s trying to capture me while Zeke’s arm tightens around my waist every now and then, as if he’s afraid I’ll disappear in a puff of smoke. I’m not sure how long we stay like this before he sighs and kisses the back of my head. His sudden movement jolts me out of my dark thoughts, my body instantly tenses as if I’m about to be attacked. As I remind my traitorous mind that it’s only Zeke, and then force myself to relax, tension invades him in a way that tells me he noticed my reaction.

“Don’t shut me out, Lily,” he pleads. “I know somethin’ happened… there’s no way he went to all this trouble just to lock you in a room, let you find a gun and handcuffs, shoot him, restrain him, and climb out of a fuckin’ window—For fuck’s sake, your clothes are missing, and you have bruises all over you.”

My version of today comprised four thugs snatching me from our driveway and delivering me to Alex, who roughed me up a little when I wasn’t happy to see him. He tried to seduce me, but when I rebuffed him, he locked me in a bedroom at the back of the house. After searching his drawers, I found a gun, and managed to shoot him when he came to check on me. While he was bleeding, I told them that I handcuffed him to the bed before escaping out of the window, after Toker knocked our code on the windowpane on the off chance I was listening, and Cub, unbeknownst to me, shut down the power.

Hearing Zeke recite the CliffsNotes version back to me just proves how much I wasn’t thinking when I spun this tale… because Blind Freddie could drive a tractor through the holes in my attempt to salvage my pride and my relationship.

Not that this epiphany matters.

I can’t allow him to learn the full truth.

If I tell Zeke that I offered my submission to Alex, that I stripped for him, that I willingly let him touch me, I might lose him. He’s dealt with so much on my behalf and, instead of running for the hills like most men would, he stayed.

In my heart of hearts, I know he loves me, but his love has to have a limit to what it can withstand. Giving in to Alex, no matter my reasoning at the time, could finish us. There’s a big difference between loving a woman who’s been violated and loving a woman who bartered her body for freedom. While it’s true that Zeke has never once looked at me as if I’m broken or less than I once was, I fear admitting what I did today could become the catalyst for him to see me differently.

It hurts when the other Shamrocks look at me like I’m damaged.

I couldn’t handle that from Zeke.

So, even knowing that he loves deeper than most, I refuse to risk it.

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