Page 110 of Tempting Fate

Beneath me.

Fear driven.

And I’ve spent every minute since hating myself for being so weak.

“I’m sorry. I fucked up. I know that.”

“You loved me,” Lily states. She nips at my chin with sharp teeth. “I loved you.”

“Yes.”

“Only it wasn’t enough because we didn’t have trust.”

“I know, sweet thing.”

The air around us is electrified by our confessions. We’re panting. Chests rising and falling in unison. Eyes locked on the other’s. Filled with love and sorrow. We cling to each other. Move together. Our touch is frenetic. Determined to make up for past hurts that can never be fixed. Unable to comprehend the magnitude of the what-ifs we’ll need to live with forever.

I’m on the cusp of telling Lily that it’s enough—that she doesn’t have to go on.

Until I realise that I’ll be repeating old patterns.

Patterns that need to be broken.

We need to bleed. We need to purge. We need to excise Alex from our psyches if we’re to defeat him. Seems like the only way forward is by going backward for a while.

“You still let me take your virginity,” I prompt. “Why?”

“That was my biggest mistake, my most enduring regret,” Lily reveals in a rush. She screws her nose up like the memory that’s popped into her head smells bad. “I knew that by sneaking off with you that I’d be putting you in danger, but I didn’t care because I needed you. Needed to touch you. Needed to make sure you still loved me. Needed to be sure that you’d fight for me this time. Discovering Dad’s arrangement with Kristoff Maddison broke me, so I went with you, even though I wasn’t ready to go that far with you, because I knew you were the only person who’d let me use you like that. I was selfish… I lied and took what I needed from you without an ounce of regret.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” I tell her. “You let me make you bleed, let me make you a woman, then you went with him under false pretences.”

Lily offers me the most heartbreakingly real smile I’ve ever seen on her face. “Your anger at him, at me, was exactly what I needed. Seeing both sides of you in one night reminded me there was a way out—that Alex wasn’t the scariest man on earth. Once I was positive you still loved me, I went through with my plan to negotiate with Alex. I knew you’d swoop in to rescue me if I asked. I could save Sander from himself and save the Shamrocks from a shootout they were ill-equipped to deal with. It was a win-win… until it wasn’t. I failed. I made things worse.”

“Fucking hell, Lil. Why would you think that way? It was never your problem to fix.”

This time her smile is wry. “Over five years of therapy hasn’t been able to answer that question… not sure how you expect me to come up with an adequate response just because you have me pinned between your body and a wall.” I follow her gaze down as it settles on the spot where our lower bodies meet. “Can’t say I’m not a fan of this position, though.”

Chuckling, I bop her nose with my index finger. “Mentionin’ sex won’t get you out of explainin’ why you chose cuttin’ over talkin’.”

“Damn it,” Lily feigns annoyance. “That was my trump card, too.”

“Talk, metukà shelì, and I might let you play it again.”

A pinkish blush settles in her bruised cheeks only to be chased away by the red hue of embarrassment. “The cutting was accidental—I didn’t even mean for it to start. I met a girl at therapy, and we got to talking… the second she told me why she was seeing Dr. Louise, I knew I’d hit the mother-load. Back then, I spent every day battling the feel of him on my skin, in my head, in my veins… I could hear him, feel him, smell him, taste him. It was like I was infected with Alex and the only way to get rid of him was to make myself bleed. By the time I realised I couldn’t stop, it was too late…. I couldn’t—I didn’t want to—burden you with another problem of mine, so I kept you at arm’s length to stop you finding out.”

“Why did you cut here?” Shifting our position to give me enough space, I trail my hand between her denim covered inner thighs and lightly squeeze the soft flesh on either side of her pussy. “Why not your arms or lower on your legs?” After cupping her heat, I brush my hand over her belly. “Why your stomach? Why only those two spots?”

Lily makes a whining sound of protest when I return my hand to her arse.

“Come on, sweet thing. The truth’ll set us free.”

Screwing her eyes shut, she tells me in a frantic rush, “That’s where I felt him the most. That’s where he got inside me. It’s how he stole my womanhood. Destroyed my ability to conceive. In my broken head, it made sense. Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I see how stupid it was?—”

“Not stupid, desperate.”

“Okay,” Lily concedes with a slow blink. “I was desperate for peace… and that was the only way I could get it.”

“And now?”

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