Page 52 of Seizing Control: Part Two

“You’re gonna send me broke.” She shakes me from side to side. “And I’m gonna enjoy every second of it.” I glimpse the ghosts in my best friend’s gaze before she ducks her head. “I’ll leave you two alone to celebrate.” On her way to the door, Nadia tosses a parting jibe over her shoulder. “Please refrain from leaving cum stains on the sheets.”

“Gross, Nads. Gross.”

She ignores me laughing as she waggles her fingers in a cheeky wave.

The moment the door shuts behind her, Lazarus hauls me into his arms. Pressed against his wide chest, immersed in his scent, captive to the warmth that radiates from his body, my fears are instantly assuaged. He kisses my forehead. Runs his fingers through my hair. Holds me like I’m precious.

“Say the word and I’ll hunt him down, sweet thing. I can have him home by midnight.”

Rather than pretend like I don’t know who he’s talking about, I allow myself one moment of raw vulnerability. Every ounce of the agony in my heart coats my words as I tell Lazarus, “I don’t want him to come home, unless he wants to.”

“Lil—”

“Don’t push the point with Slash,” I order my first love. He clamps his mouth shut to stop himself from arguing with me. There’s rage in his gaze and stress etched in his features, and it only deepens when I add. “I love you and I love him. Different but equal.”

“I know, metukà shelì. Told you I accept that.”

“And that’s why I won’t force Slash to choose. He has to accept all of us—me, Garrett, the twins, and you—as a package deal. I’ll never keep him away from the children... that doesn’t mean I have to have him in my life.”

Twisting my wedding band around my ring finger, I keep my head lowered.

I don’t think I’m strong enough to withstand the censure I’m sure to find in his eyes.

Zeke was possessive—fanatical in his claim over me.

Lazarus has shown no signs that lead me to believe he’s any different.

“Look at me.” My first love chucks me under the chin with his index finger. With obvious reluctance, I allow him to tip my head back. There is nothing but adoration in his uniquely coloured gaze as he tells me, “Won’t pretend I’m not jealous as hell. It drives me insane to think about him with you.” When I open my mouth to speak, Lazarus shushes me. “No, Lily. You’ve had your say, now it’s my turn. My actions led us to this moment, and that means I’m responsible for the repercussions that come my way. You love him. I love you. Whether Slash gets his head on straight and man’s the fuck up—” My man looks around like he’s expecting someone to step out of the shadows. “—or not, I’m all-in on this family with you.”

“Zeke.” I say his old name like it’s a benediction. “You can’t make promises like this, not yet.”

Fingers curled around the back of my neck, he holds me in place while he presses my palm to his chest. “Feel my heart, metukà shelì. It beats wild. For you. When I tell you that I’m all-in, I mean it. Know it’s gonna take time for you to trust me again, but you will... because I ain’t goin’ anywhere.” His lapse back into Aussie vernacular, despite the lower tenor to his voice, is a jolt to my senses. I haven’t quite reconciled the two sides of my first love, and I’m not sure that I ever will. “Ya hear me, sweet thing?”

“I hear you.”

“Promise you’ll give me time to restore your faith in me?”

I hook my pinkie around his. “Promise.”

It’s weird how simple it has been to establish a new baseline with Lazarus, especially since Zeke was the most obstinate man I knew. To have this happening at a time when my relationship with Slash has never been worse is a blow. My life is upside down, in the best and worst ways. So many blessings I never thought possible have come to fruition. Miracles and mannas. Conversely, the disasters and tragedies that stalk me runneth over. From the loss of my friendship with the big man who has been wise sidekick for as long as I can remember, my miscarriage, Zeke’s death, my father and the horror he’s wrought on his children, the Shamrocks trying to hold together in the wake of his treachery, to all the other things, big and small, that have the potential to destroy us.

So many things have gone wrong to get us to this point...

Shaking free of my gloomy thoughts, I smirk when Lazarus kneels in front of me to buckle up my sandals again. I draw my fingernails through his hair, scratching his scalp in the way he loves so much. There’s a placid recognition of our intertwined pasts laced within the ease of our interactions. My first love secures the straps around ankles, and I straighten his collar. He helps me back to my feet, and I show my appreciation by pressing a quick kiss to the underside of his jaw before sliding back to my feet.

The weight of Lazarus’ arm when he slings it over my shoulder is comforting.

Out of habit, I go to slide my hand in the back pocket of his dress pants. There’s a button in the way. The grin he angles my way encourages me to pop it open. Hand curved around his backside, I lean into him.

I am shaken by how right it feels to be with him again.

“If you leave me again, I will stab you.”

Lazarus smirks, a gleam of respect in his gaze, then his expression turns serious, and his arm tightens around me. “If it ever comes to that again, I’ll hand you the knife, metukà shelì.”

As we exit the ultrasound room to retrieve the photos of our twins, I am buoyed by a wave of hope. From the top of my head to the soles of my feet, I am a mess of contradictions. Optimistic and pessimistic at once. Everything is chaotic, yet there are pockets of harmony to be found in the midst of it all.

I don’t know what the future holds.

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