Page 27 of Seizing Control: Part Two

My husband’s eventual return terrifies me.

I’m a ball of contradictions.

Happy.

Sad.

Depleted by disappointment.

Brimming with hope.

Because I fear claiming my independence will end my chances of finding happiness with either of them...

6

LAZARUS

Two days later

After four weeks of visiting Lily in the middle of the night and stealing a taste without waking her, I am glad that I was able to give into my need to reveal myself to her tonight. The fleeting touches. My careful exploration of her burgeoning curves. Our interludes in the dark, time spent together while only one of us is aware. It isn’t enough. I’ve been slowly going insane, unravelling like a discarded spool of yarn while I deny myself the sight of her love filled blue eyes.

I breathe her in in secret.

Exhale through the pain of leaving her.

Stay away for days until the urge gets too much.

Gasping for air, I drown in unwanted solitude when I’m not with Lily.

The violence that is a large part of my new role in the Adjudicator’s curia doesn’t dim the itch inside me. I’m empty without my sweet thing. A barren wasteland. Untethered to earth, suffocating in a world without my reason for breathing. My ego aches to publicly claim metukà shelì. Gabriel’s decree that I must stay away from her drives me past the point of madness.

It isn’t ideal, but I’m able to outwardly control my demeanour.

Still, it’s a struggle that I’m bound to lose in the long run.

My late-night visits only fuel my desperation. The satiation I take from being with her dissipates too soon. My overwhelming need to return to her makes me take stupid risks. Without my team and my single ally within the Shamrocks orbit, I’d be fucked. Layla’s assistance with sneaking in and out of my sweet thing’s room has been appreciated. However, it’s Nadia’s help that’s been the most important.

After my close call a few nights ago, Lily’s best friend found a way to ensure she remained sleeping. The little man occasionally interrupts my depravity. He acts as a much-needed circuit breaker for my unquenchable desire. We’ve spent a few hours together over the past four weeks, bonding while I allow my woman to sleep peacefully.

In the wake of her plea for me to reveal myself, Lily now knows the truth.

For better or for worse... that remains to be determined.

She took it better than I expected, even if her comment about kneeing me in the balls gave me pause. Her relationship with Slash seems tumultuous in a way that mine and Lily’s never was. Confusingly so. Sure, we had disagreements, but it was almost a routine. We’d fight. She’d swallow down her anger at my heavy-handed tactics. I’d pretend not notice. We’d made up. It was a cycle we couldn’t break—in all honesty, I don’t think we wanted to break it because it worked for us.

Much in the same way she came headfirst at Slash that day at the compound where I had a front row seat to my ex-best friend fucking my woman, Lily doesn’t think twice at her husband when she doesn’t agree with his actions. I’m not sure what I’d do if she struck me, but I know I’d never physically hurt her. Hurting her is the last thing I ever want to do, even if that’s all I manage to achieve sometimes.

Still, it’s clear that Slash’s dark side doesn’t scare her like mine does.

The truth is a bitter pill to swallow as Lily’s confession on her wedding day echoes around my head. She fears Venom. Likes to keep him separate from Zeke. It’s a condemnation I need to wear as I grow into my new life as Lazarus.

With that thought at the forefront of my mind, I peer down at my woman and take in the grip I have on her wrist and the feel of my fingers biting into the nape of her neck. I’m manhandling her. Staling her autonomy. Making her submit to my control without properly hearing her out.

We have new chance to be together.

But I’m making old mistakes.

“Listen to me carefully, metukà shelì.” My voice is rough with emotion when I admit, “I fucked up. I know that and you know that... but I’d do it again in a heartbeat if it meant saving you from Hugh St. James.” Lily stiffens when my mention of the Maddison captain who thinks he has a right own my sweet thing goads me into tightening my grip on her neck. “But I’m back. For you, for your children—our children.” She whimpers when I seal our future with a light kiss. The sound hits me straight in the dick. I was buried in her twenty minutes ago, yet I could take her again. “Yours, mine, and Slash’s—if he pulls his head out of his arse in time—so hear me when I tell you that I’m not going anywhere.” Knowing that I can’t allow us to sweep our problems away by concentrating on our physical connection, I keep my hands where they are, and my gaze locked on hers while I drive home my point. “Every move I make from now on will be with your full knowledge. We’re equals, sweet thing, from this moment forward... I might have to live in the darkness for a little while longer, but with you, everything will be in the light.”

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