Page 156 of Seizing Control: Part Two

“Don’t deserve you, baby... I’m so sor?—”

“That’s true.” The emotions swirling inside me are whipped into a maelstrom by the desolation in his voice. I risk my own pride by telling him, “But, I don’t deserve you either.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s not.” My grip is unforgiving, too tight and filled with unearned viciousness, when I take hold of his head with both hands and force him to look up at me. In his icy-blue eyes, I find a depth of adoration that matches the love I ignored for years in my single-minded pursuit of Zeke’s heart. “I treated you horribly for years... made you my lover in every way, except physical. Turning you into a third wheel was unintentional, but I can’t pretend like it wasn’t fuelled by jealousy and possessiveness... even if I wasn’t cognizant of it at the time. You’ve always been mine, Carter, even when I was only Zeke’s, and for that, I am both sorry and unrepentant.”

“You don’t need to apologise?—”

“That’s my point. I’m not saying sorry... I’m trying to make you understand why I won’t accept your apology for abandoning me while I was pregnant and denying Garrett his father.” Confusion clouds Slash’s gaze and he turns pale. His lips part as he exhales in a rush. “We’ve both done things that other people would judge us for—things they’d leave a relationship over.” When his expression darkens, and I spy him drawing the wrong conclusion, I rush to explain further, “What I’m saying is... we aren’t like other people. So, I won’t apologise for being selfish and I won’t accept your apology for doing it either. I don’t want a divorce, but I also know that we can’t move forward if we keep beating ourselves up over things we can’t change.” Slash’s breathing picks up pace and some of the colours returns to his cheeks. “All I’m asking of you is acknowledgement of your past mistakes—and mine—and for the time and space I’ve requested to rebuild my faith in your promise to never lie, keep secrets, or leave me without explanation again.” I sigh, tipping my head to one side as I probe, “Do you understand what I’m asking for?”

His throat works as he swallows hard. “I understand, baby.”

“Good.”

Dropping my hands from his head, I curl my fingers over Slash’s shoulders. My thumbs sweep along his collar bones, moving back and forth while we stare at each other. A wealth of unspoken problems remain wedged between us, both old and new, but this is one fundamental issue that we can cross off if he has actually heard what I’m saying and follows through on his promise to adhere to my request.

Time and space. It’s going to hurt. Test our patience. Drive us to the brink of destruction. But it’s vital that we stay the course if we’re going to build a stable foundation for our kids. The world is hard enough when you follow society’s illogical and inflexible expectations. We’re attempting to build a relationship that will be judged from the outset, which means that we have to be extra secure and dedicated.

I am a symbol of public controversy, a wife, and a mother.

Slash is the leader of a motorcycle club and a Trinity soldier.

Lazarus is part of the team bringing justice to the underworld.

Our resilience is paramount, so our relationship must be bomb-proof. If it can’t withstand the jealousies and mortal mistakes we make inside it, then we’re doomed to fall to the attacks we’ll face from the outside. My father remains at large. The Maddison clan have proven impervious to the Trinity’s machinations to bring them to heel. My son’s biological mother will always pose a risk to his safety. The twins are another layer of vulnerability that we must do our best to defend.

We have the Shamrocks to safeguard.

The Adjudicator to keep onside.

A worldwide secret society that could turn on us at any time to appease.

Our family, friends, and allies rely on us to lead the way.

Trust in each other is paramount for any of this to work.

Plus, I’d be lying if I didn’t also enjoy seeing Slash and Lazarus grovel just a tiny bit.

The knowledge that my men, powerful and unyielding to everyone else, are willing to drop to their knees for me is empowering. They will kneel before me. Fight to have me. Die to protect me. Take drastic actions to atone for their sins against me.

What’s not to like about that?

Especially when I would do the same for them.

28

SLASH

Although my gaze is locked with my wife’s, I can still see the marks on her stomach. Brand-new purple streaks from her body nurturing and protecting Ezra and Asher. Scars from the trauma she fights to survive alone. A new wound that denotes her struggle to birth the twins safely. Soft peaks and muted valleys that form the temple I should’ve been worshipping at instead of hiding on the east coast. Every inch of my duchess is flawless, her gorgeous body calls to me in every way, but it’s her heart that appeals to me most.

Her scars an indictment of my cowardice.

Eternal reminders of my desertion.

The upside-down T shaped wound, a vertical cut from her belly button that ends at the horizontal incision bisecting her bikini line, was necessary because of the urgency we faced trying to save, first the twins, then my wife’s life. Complete placental abruption was the diagnosis upon our arrival at the hospital. A crisis I was ill-equipped to handle after the twins were delivered by emergency caesarean section.

I was initially promised that they would be able to stem Cherub’s bleeding.

---