Page 216 of Seizing Control: Part One

Lily is my siren’s call.

My sole reason for existing in the darkness.

For her, this exile makes sense.

Without her, I’m nothing.

As my balance wavers, the power of my love for her all-consuming, enough to bring me to my knees, I take a couple steps backward. Catching myself on the side of the empty crib that sits adjacent to her bed, I allow myself a moment to review the things that have been added to her bedroom.

A baby’s cot.

A change table.

A small dresser.

All the things I would’ve built for Lily if Alex hadn’t robbed us of our baby.

My guilt over that night weighs heavily. I fucked up so badly. Left her vulnerable when I should’ve stayed by her side. If I could make any deal with God, it would be to go back to the shed at the compound and take a different course of action after we’d laid out our truths. No fake breakup. No games with Brutus. I would put Lily first, before the Shamrocks, before my pride.

I would protect her properly.

Inspecting metukà shelì’s belongings as I walk a circuit of her bedroom, it buoys me to notice that not one single item of Slash’s has made it into Lily’s space. He’s been eliminated. His decision to abandon his son, sight unseen, pushed my sweet thing to see him for the man he’s turned into as his pursuit of her heart has driven him to extremes.

A coward.

Unworthy of her love.

It should make me happy, yet I can’t bring myself to gloat.

My disappointment is too deep to feel any triumph.

It hurts to know that I misjudged Slash so wrongly.

My best friend for as long as I can remember no longer exists.

The cold, uncaring husk of a man who inhabits his body is a stranger.

When I head back to Lily to see if she’s still wearing Slash’s wedding ring, my elbow knocks a tiny jumpsuit from the top of the dresser. Leaning down to pick it up, I crush it in my hand. It’s so small. So delicate. Light blue, it matches the eye colour the baby shares with his father.

I can’t wrap my head around Lily’s behaviour.

Accepting Slash’s child with Bebe into her home.

Acting as his mother while she potentially carries my child.

It’s crazy.

A betrayal.

My innate rage, the fury I work so hard to contain, sparks. The embers of my temper catch alight. Before they can stoke themselves into an inferno, I toss the jumpsuit back onto the dresser. Shaking under the strain of controlling myself, I sit in the rocking chair in the corner to unzip my biker boots. Once I’ve stripped off my socks, I loosen my collar, pull off my jacket, and unbutton my shirt. My trousers are next. The boxer-briefs that join them in a heap on the floor are new, but they are the same brand Lily mentioned one single time that she preferred me to wear.

Everything I do is for her.

Because of her.

Naked, I place my weapons on the bedside table, then I flip the lock on the bedroom door. I know this won’t keep anyone out. The move is designed to buy me time to leave if I need to. Sure, Crystal and Nadia’s whispered conversation that they would let her sleep for as long as possible gives me a decent window, but I’m not about to risk being caught. My team has overridden Cub’s security system, I have had a series of sensors set up to alert me if anyone gets too close—that doesn’t mean I’m not going to approach this late-night jaunt with caution.

Revealing myself to Lily too soon will only cause her more pain. My resurrection as Lazarus can only occur when I’m certain I can stay in the light with her permanently, and not a second sooner. I can’t risk her or the unborn child by giving in to my impatience. The new agreement with Gabriel, created the night Slash dropped his truth bomb, keeps me honest while I battle my craving to return from the dead prematurely.

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