Page 133 of Seizing Control: Part One

In the scheme of things that I don’t know, it barely scratches the surface.

But it does explain some things…

Which is more than I can do as I battle to reconcile the bone-deep sorrow I’m feeling over the prison footage with the niggle in my gut that refuses to accept what I witnessed. Now that the initial shock has worn off, I’m back to square one. My brain can’t settle on my true reality. My body rejects the notion of Zeke’s death out of hand. My soul cries to have its denial heard.

He can’t be gone.

Not when I can still feel him.

Despite the emptiness that stalks me.

I’m a mess of contradictions and hypocrisy.

As sure of Zeke’s continued existence as I am of the sin my father committed.

In love with two men at the same time as I hate them both with my whole heart.

Desperate to be in Zeke’s arms one last time.

Fighting the need to seek solace in Slash.

I don’t want to need their comfort or their love.

I can’t need it.

Whatever the truth may be, they have proven unreliable.

Untrustworthy.

Locking eyes on the mahogany casket as it is towed out of the back exit, my breath catches in my throat. A few of the old ladies start to cry. Eyes dart toward me, then look away when my lack of reaction makes them uncomfortable. I curl my throbbing hand into a fist, opening and closing my fingers as the pain settles me. The confusion of our loved ones makes me feel like a freak.

I know I’m not acting right.

That I appear uncaring.

So, while I wait for the motorcycle towing the glass covered hearse trailer to pull in behind Slash and Toker’s bikes, I try the words on for size again.

“Zeke’s dead.”

Once again, I am filled with equal amounts of grief and disbelief.

They balance each other out—render me numb yet shattered.

A malfunctioning muddle.

Again, my indistinct reaction gives me pause.

As much as my heart rejects the idea, I want to demand that the casket is unloaded so I can look inside it. I need to verify with own my eyes what my psyche can’t comprehend. I need to double check that Zeke is dead. Toker tried to keep his promise, but Slash intervened. I know he did it to spare me, but I’m still annoyed. Especially, since he didn’t directly address me. Instead, Slash reiterated the message Hades supposedly sent from hospice and laid down a blanket ban.

No viewing.

It’s a decree that isn’t hades or Slash’s to make.

I’m Zeke’s next of kin.

Yet no one is observing to this fact.

I’m being overridden at every turn by meddling men who think they know better than me.

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