Page 79 of Making Choices

Every so often, Nadia checks me out and frowns.

Not one tear has fallen.

They brim every now and then but refuse to overflow.

When the movie finishes, she sighs. “Suppose I better get going.”

“Yeah,” I mumble as I roll onto my side with my back to her. Slipping lower on the pillow, I pull the covers tight around my neck. “I think I’m going to have a nap.”

Slash hasn’t appeared with our food, and Nadia never bothered to check why, since it would’ve been pointless. The raised voices that emanated from the kitchen made it clear he was at odds with Bebe. Why? It’s something I did my best not to think about, even though any other time, I probably would’ve stuck my nose in the kitchen to make sure he was okay.

This time, I didn’t have the energy or the care factor to bother.

Something about Bebe rubs me the wrong way. I don’t know if it’s her strange behaviour or her disjointed emotions, but I don’t completely trust her. Sure, she was helpful last night, a friend when I needed one, and I’ll always be grateful for that. Doesn’t mean I’m capable of ignoring my intuition when it’s trying to tell me something.

The last time I did that, I ended up in Alex’s sights.

“Well, night.” Nadia offers me a stilted wave once she’s pulled on her shoes.

I screw my eyes shut and try to will myself to sleep once she’s quietly pulled the door closed behind her. Minutes later, the mattress dips and Slash climbs beneath the covers. His warm, bare skin touches mine and I know he’s clad only in boxers. As soon as he gently pulls me onto my other side and rearranges me into the same position we slept in last night, the tears that refused to fall during the movie well once more. I keep my eyes closed, certain that the second I blink they’re going to start, and it’ll be hours before they stop.

“Know you’re tryin’ not to cry,” Slash tells me in a voice that rumbles through his chest. “Also know you’re not gonna sleep properly until you let ’em out.”

“When did you get so bossy?” I ask with a sniff.

“Dunno what you’re talkin’ about,’ he quips. “I’ve always been this bossy.”

“True.” I bury my face in his neck, then I open my eyes. The block that stopped my grief from releasing as tears vanishes, and I let out a sob that seems overly loud in the quiet room. With the initial barrier breached, they keep coming, and like I suspected, the tears refuse to stop no matter how hard I try to contain them. God knows how many minutes later, I blubber, “It hurts, Carter. In my heart. In my head. Everywhere. I’m scared this is gonna be the thing that pulls me under.”

“Never,” Slash vows. His arms tighten around me as he cups the back of my head and holds me like I’m the most precious object in his world. “While I’ve got breath in my lungs, I won’t let you go under. That might sound egotistical, but it’s true. I’ll keep your head above water for you. I’ll keep kickin’ when you can’t. What Alex took from you is beyond comprehension, and it’s gonna hurt for a long fuckin’ time. But it won’t drown you. It won’t end you.”

“How do you know?”

For a moment, I think he didn’t hear my tear-filled question, then he sighs. His breath ruffles my hair and washes over the top of my head. The familiar mint scent of his toothpaste coupled with Slash’s solid presence helps me gain control of my surging emotions long enough to listen to him.

“Do you remember what you told me after my son died?”

“Kinda.”

“Let me refresh that terrible memory of yours,” he says with a wry chuckle. “You barrelled into my room and told me what everyone else wouldn’t. You said I didn’t deserve what Jenna did.” I suck in a breath and hold it when he says his ex’s name for the first time in eleven years. “You told me that the situation was wrong, that what she did was wrong, then you forced me to get my arse outta bed and get on with life.”

“I was a lot wiser back then.”

“You’re just as wise now. And that’s why I’m gonna tell you the same thing you told me. I fuckin’ hate that you’re hurtin’ like this. You didn’t deserve Alex’s cruelty, not then or now. You’re a good woman and this shit should’ve never happened to you. It’s wrong. He was wrong, but you beat him and that’s gotta stand for somethin’.”

“I don’t remember telling you that last bit.”

His laughter shakes his body. “Nah, I ad-libbed that part. But the sentiment stands. Bad shit happened. You didn’t deserve it. Yet, even in all the wrong, I know you’re a good woman who’s gonna find her way through it.”

“With your help?”

Slash’s arms flex as he pulls me closer. “I’m not goin’ anywhere. Not now. Not ever.”

Rather than tell him how much I appreciate him, I settle for a simple, “I know.”

For some reason, it just fits better.

An acknowledgment that he’s always been there and always will be.

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