Page 15 of Knowing Trust

I felt a portal open and glanced up to find Neldor walking through it. I flinched at seeing him but then glanced around when I realized he froze all the fairies there including Sontar.

While I was distracted, he cupped my face and brushed his lips over mine before kneeling in front of me.

“I’m sorry, baby doll.”

Huh? Just… Huh?

He must have understood the confusion on my face. “My brain exploded. You’re right that this is way more complicated than I realized. I didn’t see any of that and I couldn’t—my mouth was just—I’m sorry. I saw how hurt you were at my inability to make my brain process it all, but I couldn’t move or—I’m sorry.”

I glanced at the clock. It had been over an hour since I’d left him there. I’d had breakfast, showered, and gotten ready for my day since then. “Have you been there this whole time?”

He nodded. “I just stared off into space. I couldn’t—it was like white noise as I tried to process what you said.” He moved his hands over my knees. “And you were right. You are always the smarter one and absolutely right that there is more we should consider and talk about.” He let out a slow breath. “Part of what I was…”

“What?” I pushed when he seemed hesitant. I got frustrated when he didn’t seem like he was going to tell me. “I blurted out all of that and left thinking you couldn’t handle my crazy. Do you have any idea how much that hurt?” I waved at the finished weather crystal as if to make my point. Then I gestured to the ten others.

He simply winced.

Yeah, idiot.

“I felt like an asshole,” he admitted.

“Go on,” I chuckled.

He stood with a sigh and sat on the desk across from me. “I was getting upset that I was thinking about this and you didn’t seem to care.” He gestured between us to signal what “this” was like I didn’t already know.

Actually, I preferred him to be crystal clear given how often I seemed to be out of step with the men in my life.

Or people in general. Yes, being specific and clear was always best.

“We’re on my mind all of the time. I’m worried about—and it didn’t seem like you were. It hurt. I was getting… Salty. You always correct me to say salty.” He let out a small chuckle and shook his head.

Yeah, I didn’t know what that was about, and I was going to leave it alone.

“I think about it, Nel. I just have a lot else to think about. I don’t mean to be a shit that I keep bringing up that I have five of you, but I have five of you.”

He studied me and frowned. “You do, and there is clearly some point you are making, so I ask you state it bluntly so we have no misunderstandings. My feelings will be fine, and you aren’t being rude when I ask.”

Fair enough.

“You are a bit of a spoiled prince sometimes. Plus, you’ve gone through a lot of shit being a male royal in a fucked up society that doesn’t appreciate them while still being sexist against women somehow. It’s all a huge mindfuck, and I worry a lot that I can’t be what you need when I have four other men in my life.

“I think that you need someone who dedicates their everything to you. And even if I didn’t have Hudson, Julian, Lucca, and Darby, I could never do that. I’m going to be queen of a damn planet. A planet in serious trouble still and in recovery. I will never downplay what any of them have been through because they’ve all had their issues and traumas.

“Hudson and Julian especially have been through hell. Hudson understands you with the overthrows and—but you were in actual war before you were even a real adult, Nel. Switching sides to try and broker peace and trying to save a realm. You are just as wounded as I am. That takes a lot of help and healing, and I’m terrified I won’t be enough and you’ll resent me.”

He didn’t say anything for maybe the longest minutes of my life. “I think the fact that what you just said is one of your main worries for me is maybe the most reassuring thing you could have said that my emotions and heart are safe with you.” He nodded when I couldn’t hide my shock. “But all of what you said is valid. I didn’t think about a lot of these points and I want to.”

“Okay. So where does that leave us?” I checked.

“You talk to who you were going to, and I need a bit of time to think about what you said,” he answered. “Then when we have our answers, we talk again.” He shrugged. “I don’t want to hurt you either, Tams. I want to do this right and not make the mistakes they’ve made or ones I have made again.”

“Okay.” That seemed a bit too up in the air for me, but it was fair.

Even if he was the one pushing for answers and to move forward.

But it was better to hit the brakes now and assess things. I got that. Just frustrating.

He stood but then opened his mouth and closed it before trying again. He shook his head and sighed. “I hear you—I heard you on all of that. I truly did, but I think once you get Faerie back to working the way it should have, ruling it won’t actually be that difficult.”

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