Page 53 of Racing Hearts

“I was young, maybe eleven or twelve,” I murmur. “Some guy kissed me on a dare, and I realized I didn’t hate it. I guess I always looked at both girls and guys growing up. I understood the attraction to both. It was hard to figure out by myself, since I thought it was shameful to want something I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t help it. My parents didn’t like it,” I scoff.

“You mentioned your parents before. You don’t speak?”

“Not anymore. They couldn’t accept me. They even tried to bribe me to be ‘normal,’ as if liking boys wasn’t.” I laugh bitterly. “They are old-money rich, and they thought I was disgraceful. They tried everything to change me, and I did everything not to lose myself until I could get out of there. They love me in their own way, the person they want me to be, not the person I am. Sometimes I hate them, and sometimes I can’t bring myself to. I guess I miss having parents, but having ones who don’t love and accept you for who you are isn’t better than having none.”

He squeezes my hand. “They are stupid not to love you, Evan.” I smile. “What was it like growing up open like that?”

“Hard,” I admit, “especially in the small town I was from. There weren’t many who understood or accepted me. Even the guys I dated mostly hid what they were in fear of the repercussions. I didn’t like that, and I didn’t see the point in hiding. It made me an outcast. I was bullied a lot, so I started taking lessons to learn how to protect myself. My dad once told me I couldn’t be gay and weak. It was a barb, but I took it seriously. Still, I wouldn’t change growing up like that. It shaped me into who I am, and now I can face anything. I can be anything as long as I am true to myself. It didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt, you know?”

He watches me before reaching out and caressing my cheeks softly. “I wish I had half the strength you do, Evan,” he says, speaking so softly I barely catch it. “I never had the chance to figure out who I was, nor the strength. My parents aren’t around. They died when Alice was young, and she was suddenly just mine. I was her entire family. She lost her parents, and I had to be her rock, her safe place, so I put everything about me on the back burner, and I became what she needed. I didn’t even realize that I had been drifting until I met you, just existing for her and not myself. I wasn’t happy or sad, just here.” He swallows, moving closer. “I need you to know, Evan, there’s a reason I am the way I am . . . with this. With us.” I frown, confused, and he groans. “I’m not ready to talk about it, but it’s not you, okay? I wish I were as strong as you are, and I wish I could own it, but I can’t. I hope I can one day.”

“Shh.” I kiss him. “I don’t need you to tell me if you aren’t ready, but when you are, I’ll be here, and I’m glad you’re finding out who you are and what makes you happy, Alek. You deserve it. You took on so much looking after Alice so young, providing for her, but you don’t have to do it alone now.”

“I’ve always been alone,” he whispers.

“Not anymore,” I reply, kissing his hand as I settle in. The smile he gives me is soft and sleepy, and we lapse into silence, lost in our own thoughts. I’m unable to look away from him, wondering what happened to make him so closed off from his own needs and wants. It’s obvious Alek has been through a lot—losing his parents and becoming Alice’s only family and parental figure so young—but the way he spoke, it’s obvious there’s something else to it. I hope someday he’ll feel like he can share it with me. I hope I can be his safe space like he is for his sister. I have a feeling he needs that, and maybe I do too.

I want to be needed and wanted, when my whole childhood, I wasn’t.

“Night, pretty boy,” he mumbles, settling into the bed and tightening his grip on my hand as if he’s afraid I’ll disappear.

“Night, princess,” I respond equally as softly, not wanting to disturb him.

As his eyes close, I can’t look away. I’m obsessed with the peaceful look that transforms his face as he falls asleep. I didn’t even realize how much tension he held in his face until now, as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders. He admitted he feels like he does everything alone, and as I stare at his younger looking face, my heart breaks for the boy who had to grow up too fast. No wonder he’s such an asshole.

I place a gentle kiss on his forehead, lingering for as long as I dare. “Sleep, princess. You aren’t alone now. I’m here.”

TWENTY-SIX

Ijerk awake, blinking in confusion as the early morning sun shines right into my eyes. There’s a soft, sleepy sigh, and my eyes drop, widening when I find Evan pressed against me. He’s wrapped tightly in my arms, both of us in the middle of the bed and as close together as we can possibly get. His head rests on my chest, and his hands are curled on my torso.

For a moment, I just stare, my heart thudding painfully in my chest. He’s so fucking pretty. His bratty mouth is quiet for once, and his long lashes fan across his sharp cheekbones. He looks good in my arms. It feels right having him in my bed.

I should get up and get Alice ready for school.

I should move, but I don’t. I tighten my hold on him, pressing my nose to his hair and inhaling. I allow myself this weakness that I would never allow in public. Here, I let myself cling to him, closing my eyes once more.

I wish we could be like this all the time. I wish I weren’t so scared of my past because loving Evan Shaw could just about heal anybody.

I want our whispered nights in the dark, I want laughter,and I want pain. I want it all with him.

I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to take it because I might ruin it like everything else.

Chased out of my peaceful moment by my thoughts, I place a tender kiss on his head and gently roll him over before slipping my arms from him. He sighs, and I freeze, but he just snuggles deeper into my bed, snoring once more.

Sneaking out of my bed so I don’t wake the angel sleeping there, I pull on jeans and a shirt and slip out of my room, heading downstairs to make Alice’s breakfast. I start the coffee and begin making sausage and bacon, then eggs and toast. The scent of food fills the house, and right on cue, I hear Alice banging around in her room, the familiar sound going straight to my aching heart and easing something within me.

No matter what, I’ll always have her and this—our routine, the familiar.

Even when I had nothing else, I had us. One day, I know she’ll have her own house and family, and I’ll miss the sound of her clumsily falling out of bed to come for breakfast. The house will be quiet, and I’ll be alone because no matter what I want, I know nobody could love me forever.

She comes down moments later, her eyes closed as she shuffles inside, sniffing the air like a bloodhound. I watch her, memorizing the moment. Her hair is pushed up onto her head, and there is a crease on her cheek from her pillow. She grew up so fast, but some things never change. I wish they could stay like this forever, but they won’t.

Proof of that is the groan coming from the stairs as another person heads our way.

I chuckle as Evan shuffles into the kitchen, his eyes half open and his hair sticking up from sleep. “Food,” he declares.

I glance between Alice and Evan as he sinks into a seat, both of them half asleep but sniffing the air, and I can’t help but smile. For one more day, this house is filled with love and laughter, with people and memories. I’ll cherish them so when I’m alone once more, I can look back and remember the better days when I was happy.

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