Page 70 of Racing Hearts

“I stopped her.” Tommy snorts. “Alek seemed to have it under control, and I didn’t want her to get thrown in jail alongside you.”

“Cellmates,” Lally whispers as I nod, but the sound of Alek’s name makes my heart clench.

“Where is Alek?” Tommy asks.

“Home.” I shrug, and they must hear something in my tone.

“Uh-oh, trouble in paradise?” Lally asks.

Sighing dramatically, I place my head on her lap, and she strokes my hair as I continue to stare at the black TV screen.

“Tell your besties,” Tommy urges, rubbing my legs. “We might not help you commit murder—” He groans as a pillow hits him. “What?”

It does the trick, and I smile, turning to look up at my ceiling. I’m unable to look at them as I speak, telling them about the email and our fight. They are quiet for a moment until Lally’s serious voice comes.

“Do you love Alek, Evan?”

I turn to meet her hard gaze. “I think I’m starting to,” I admit fearfully. “Maybe I should just do as he says and not show the photos and just accept us as we are. Maybe it’s enough and I’m just pushing for too much. I knew when we started this that he wasn’t ready. It isn’t fair for me to punish him now.”

“That’s bullshit,” Tommy snaps. “He said time, and that means evolution. If it’s staying the same, then how is that changing anything? I get not wanting to be open yet and feeling confused, but there is a difference between that and forcing the person you love to deny their future over your own fear.”

“Maybe he just cares more than he lets on?” I suggest as I sit up.

“Evan Shaw, you fucking listen to me right this second,” Lally snaps, and my eyes widen at her angry tone as she points right in my face.

“Do you really feel that fucking low about yourself that you would put up with someone treating you like shit? Treating you so fucking badly just because you’re desperate to be loved and accepted, even if that means he never makes you a priority, shows you off, or claims you publicly? Tell me you have more respect for yourself than that, Evan. You deserve to be loved loudly and in public. You deserve to be happy, not sad and worried because you made the mistake of kissing him in public or taking his hand or showing some pictures. Don’t fucking settle, Evan. I mean it. I know you think Alek Anders is your soulmate, but what if you’re just a passing fling to him? Have you ever thought about that? You’re just an experiment, something to try. To you, he’s your forever, but to him, you’re just for now. I love you, Evan, but I don’t like who you are becoming. My best friend would never accept this. The man who fought every single person, including his family, to be openly bi would never accept a love that meant he had to hide who he was. We want you to be happy, and I thought Alek was it too, but if he isn’t, then cut him loose. You don’t bend for him or change who you are for someone you love. You grow with them. So tell me, Evan, is Alek worth it? Is he worth it all?”

Is that what it comes down to?

I spent so long fighting to be proud of who I am, so can I go back to being ashamed of it just to keep him? Can I change who I am just to keep the person I love?

“I love him,” I whisper, admitting it for the first time. “I love him, and it hurts.”

“I know.” They both take my hands. “Love shouldn’t hurt like that, Evan. Love should make you stronger, not weaker. It shouldn’t put you in knots. I love you, Evan, we both do, and we are worried for you. We’ve never seen you like this for anyone—like you have become a mirror, reflecting what Alek wants to see, not who you really are. We want you to be happy.”

“I know.” I feel tears dripping down my face, and I dash them away. “What if I can’t walk away? What if I’m not strong enough to?”

“Then you aren’t the Evan we know and love,” Tommy murmurs. “You aren’t the Evan who stands up for those weaker than himself, and you’re not the Evan who stepped in front of me when we got jumped when my old friends found out I was bi. You’re not the guy who fights for everyone. Remember who you are, Evan, because you are fucking amazing, and if you need to walk away, then do it. Don’t settle just because you think it’s all you deserve.”

He wraps his arms around me, and Lally does as well so they are both holding me. I cry in their embrace. “I thought he was the one.”

“I know.” Lally kisses my cheek, holding me tighter. “He still might be, but you need to fight for yourself, Evan, for your heart. Don’t hand it to someone who doesn’t deserve you. If it gets broken, we’ll be right here with ice cream and bad movies, ready to cry with you. We are your family.”

That only makes me sob harder, and I cry for everything I’ve lost.

For the boy who just wanted his parents’ love and approval.

For the boy who only wanted his first love to end happily.

For the boy who can’t help but fall for the one who wishes he were everything he’s not.

For the man who would do anything for the man he’s fallen in love with, while he would only do the bare minimum.

For the heart I healed and gave away again, only to be broken once more.

This time, I’ll keep it. I’ll give it to myself.

Alek Anders might be the love of my life, but I’m not his, and that’s what it boils down to.

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