Page 97 of Rebel

For the first time, I really listen. I don’t let my grief blind me to the truth in her words.

I was so desperate to hold onto something, to give myself a purpose to keep on living after I lost the only other person in this world I love, that I blinded myself to the truth.

My sister killed herself.

Maybe there was a helping hand or maybe there wasn’t, but she made that choice, and instead of accepting it, I lashed out and ripped apart something that could have been beautiful.

I found my place here, just like she did, haunted by her ghost and closer to her than I had been in years with three men who made me happy, even when I was destined not to be.

I destroyed that like I destroy everything.

I pushed my sister away until we didn’t even speak anymore.

Now, I pushed away the three people in this world who loved me when no one else could, who looked at me and saw someone worth loving.

I’m a fucking idiot.

FORTY-FOUR

Iknew from the moment I laid eyes on Beck Danvers that she was trouble. I knew she would ruin us, and I was right. It doesn’t make me feel good, though, and instead, it fills me with bitter anger.

My heart aches in a way I didn’t know it was able to.

I love Beck, I really fucking do, and I hate that.

I hate that she made me love her only to break my heart. I hate that the first person I showed all my demons, scars, and pain to turned around and threw them in my face.

Like I was nothing, like I wasn’t worthy.

Fuck her reason. Fuck her own pain.

I’m hurting too!

Can’t she see that? Can’t she see how badly she has destroyed me?

My skin crawls, itching with the need to shoot up and make myself forget. I’m so lost in these all-consuming feelings, I don’t even realize that I’m outside of a bar. I try to turn away. I really fucking do.

I tell myself I’ve come so far and that I can’t ruin this now, but somehow, I find myself inside in the bathroom.

There’s a man there, and he’s laying out the powder for me. I stare at it in the dim light, bass pumping through the walls. I remember how easy it was and how I’d forget and wouldn’t feel anything until it wore off.

No one would know. One time wouldn’t hurt, right?

It’s ironic that I got clean because of her sister and what she did, and now I’m going to fall back because of her. She got exactly what she wanted.

She destroyed us.

I lean down . . .

TRAV

I don’t know where Chase and Kolton are. I should be more worried, especially because of how hurt they were, but right now, it’s taking everything I have in me not to break down. I have been obsessed with Beck since the first time I met her.

I fell in love with her slowly and then all at once.

She is the reason I wake up excited for the day.

She’s the reason I go to sleep, hoping to see her in my dreams.

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