Page 36 of Rebel

Despite the guys being in, the day is too quiet. I’m caught up in my own head, debating everything that’s happened since I arrived here. We have become close so quickly, but I remind myself it’s a good thing because the closer I am, the deeper I’ll be able to dig the knife in, but I feel almost guilty.

It also doesn’t help that Kolton won’t meet my eyes.

He seems down today, and I worry I’ve done something wrong. Shit, did he notice me acting weird? I really don’t want to trigger or upset him, especially after Chase went out of his way to let me know. I thought about it a lot last night when I couldn’t sleep. I don’t remember Kolton ever letting a woman touch him since I’ve known them. Even the makeup and stylists who work with him are males, and at the shoot, he was very careful not to let them touch him.

Today is our day off, and the guys seem to make the most of it, either sleeping or playing games or both. I hang with them since I have nothing else to do. I was so fucking sure when I came here, but I’m not now, and I think that’s why I’m hesitating. I look at them as they laugh and joke and wonder if they could truly do it. Can I?

Just as it gets dark, I head upstairs to get some space.

As I reach the top, I hear Chase call out, “Have a good night, man,” and when I peer over the railing, Trav is heading out the door.

I’m alone in my bed. Usually, I would reach for the tapes, but tonight, I feel too raw. I need space from her pain and my guilt. I need to decide who I am as a person.

Can I really do this?

If not, then I gave up everything for nothing, and when they learn the truth, I’ll end up like her or worse.

Sighing, I turn over, my mind pinging from revenge to Kolton. He didn’t even say goodnight when I went upstairs, like there is an invisible line between us I erected without meaning to. When his eyes met mine for a moment earlier, I swore I saw pain and longing in his gaze.

I’m confused and a little hurt, which is stupid.

I don’t need them to like me, but I suppose I do because it would make it easier to destroy them.

I cover my face, telling myself revenge is the only reason I wonder if he’s okay. Climbing out of bed, I knock on Trav’s door for some advice. Out of all of them, he will understand and know what to do. Chase would make lewd jokes, and Kolton, well, he’s the one I need to talk about.

I peek inside Trav’s room. His bed is perfectly made, and his lights are off. I wander the big house in search of him, but he’s nowhere to be found.

Chase told him to have a good night earlier, right?

Trav is gone, but I don’t know where. I drop him a text, needing to talk to someone about the Kolton thing, but he doesn’t reply, so I send another.

Beck: Yo, where you at? Need advice.

Beck: Trav?

Frowning, I pocket my phone and make myself something to eat. When I finish and he still hasn’t responded, Chase’s words come back to me—enjoy yourself. Is Trav hooking up with someone?

Bitter jealousy chokes me. Why do I care?

I tell myself I don’t, but I reread our messages and send another anyway.

Beck: Hope you’re having a good night.

Shit, did that sound sincere or jealous? It’s too late now to change it. I thought we had been getting close. Out of all of them, Trav makes me feel the most comfortable. Yes, we flirt, and he’s hot, but I need to flirt to get what I need.

He can fuck whomever he wants. He’s single.

Smashing my phone down, I leave it on the table as I head outside and find myself in what has become my spot—the swinging hammock. I let the cold breeze wash over me as I soak up the moon’s rays.

I wish my mother were here. She would know what to do. Most thought she was too kind, but under that kindness was a backbone of steel. If you crossed her, you knew it. She’s the reason I am the way I am. She always said I got my mean streak from her, but I need her warmth and comfort right now more than anything. She would wipe my tears away and tell me to do what needs to be done. She would tell me they had it coming. She would lay it out in black and white.

Then again, nothing is black and white. There are always shades of gray, and with the Dead Ringers, I’m finding nothing but gray. My revenge and my heart seem to cancel each other out.

I know good people can do bad things, but are the Dead Ringers good people who made a mistake, or are they just people pretending to be good?

Without that knowledge and the truth they are hiding, I can’t act yet. I have to gather intel, find out what I need to know, and then decide. If I was wrong, then I’ll leave just as quietly as I came. No one will care. They never do. I was always invisible, and I will remain that way, but I will get my revenge on whoever did it before I go. I have to. It’s the only thing left in my broken heart.

Part of me didn’t even intend to outlive my revenge, planning to join her and everyone else I love in the grave, but as I open my eyes and look at the moon, there’s a thud of my heart, and for the first time since I found out, I want to live.

---