Page 55 of Covetous

I pace the floor, chewing my lip as I wait for Victor’s reply.

Victor

Made it in. No one saw. What about your blanket?

Shit. I forgot. He can’t leave it on the couch. Everyone will see it and know. Won’t they? It’s too risky.

Me

Hide it in the washing machine. I’ll grab it later.

Victor

OK

My heart races as the three dots appear, disappear, then reappear.

Victor

Smith and I are leaving soon.

They’re leaving? Soon as in today? It’s only Sunday. I want to text all that, but I know better. He and Smith can’t stay; not after Victor and I had sex. We need space from each other to get our feelings in check because there’s no way I can act like everything’s normal around him. We’re supposed to pretend this never happened, but just remembering the beach makes me wet. Even before we hooked up, my heart skipped a beat from simply being near him. So yeah, I’m screwed. I didn’t think this through—how what we’ve done would change me.

Me

When are you heading out?

Victor

In a couple of hours. Waiting for Smith. He’s still with Liv.

Of course Smith is. He’s probably saying his goodbyes, holding her and making love to her—like I wish Victor was doing with me right now.

Me

I’ll miss you.

Victor

I’ll miss you more.

Doubtful. He’ll move on from me—from this—whatever this is or was. But me? I’ve set myself back years, once again pining over the one man I can’t be with.

When we say we’ll miss each other, we’re not only talking about him leaving Cape Cod. We’re talking about the rest of our lives. As if I wasn’t already depressed. Ugh.

I know last night shouldn’t have happened. The timing sucks, with barely a day passing since his and Esme’s breakup or my “break” with Ian. If anyone finds out, I’m fucked. Toast. My reputation? Gone. Ian will hate my guts, and all my friends will judge me. Even worse, I’d let my family down. My dad’s already spent a ton of money on this wedding.

Victor once called me out on my obsession with what others think of me, saying it kept me up at night. Spot on. I need validation from others, especially the people closest to me. That’s why no one can ever find out. But it’s more than that. My heart breaks for what Ian’s birth mom did to him, leaving a huge hole in his life. I know exactly how that feels. So am I really ready to do the same thing?

I pore over Victor’s last text three more times, then chuck my phone onto the mattress in frustration.

Slipping into the bathroom down the hall for a shower, I scrub and scrub, but I can’t wash away the memories of his hands, his kiss, his smile, his eyes…of him making love to me. As much as I deny it, I still want him. And that’s a huge fucking problem.

My gaze lands on the massive diamond on my left hand, and a strangled cry escapes my throat, muffled by the towel in my hand. I’m torn between my love, passion, or—who are we kidding?—my obsession with Victor and my commitment to Ian, the one who was supposed to give me that fairy tale ending and normal life I’ve always craved.

It really sucks that Victor and I can’t be together, that we don’t have a future. But as amazing as it was, he’s not my happily ever after, and I’m not his. We both know that, even if it’s hard to accept.

Everything between us, everything we shared and felt, it’s all just memories now, left behind on that beach where we had to say goodbye.

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