Page 76 of Dr. Fellow

Cass lowers her voice. “I can’t believe you’re just going to let what the two of you have end without a single word.”

My throat thickens against my will, and I swallow to loosen up the ball of emotion that’s trying to choke me.

“We exchange words everyday,” I correct. She’s seen screenshots of the messages, so she knows exactly what I’m talking about. “And they’ve gotten us nowhere because he won’t agree to what I want.”

“Do you even know why he isn’t interested in getting divorced?”

I roll my eyes as far back as they’ll allow. “Because he’s a physician, and refuses to admit that he made a mistake. Because he enjoys controlling me. Because he’s stubborn. I don’t know, Cass, the possibilities are endless.”

Honestly, I just assumed it was because he was intent on pissing me off. That’s our bit—opposing forces that each push as hard as we can until one of us breaks. I guess theoretically there could be more to his reluctance, but again, that would require us to have an actual conversation. And that’s something I refuse to initiate, because if he’s not going to give, neither am I.

Cassidy pinches the bridge of her nose in frustration, letting out a long sigh. “Both of you are being stubborn in this situation. Hell, both of you have been stubborn this entire time because you’ve just been dancing around the truth for months.”

I bark out a harsh laugh that’s completely void of humor. “What truth?”

“That you’re obsessed with each other, idiot. But you’re too proud to admit it, and Walker’s too . . . Walker’s afraid to lose you.”

I scoff. “Yeah, right.”

I ignore her criticism of my own emotional capacity and focus on my “other half.” If he’s so damn afraid of losing me, why hasn’t he tried saying anything more to me than no for the past few weeks? Why hasn’t he tried showing up at my door? Why hasn’t he made me feel like he wants to keep me?

“I wish you could see what I’ve seen for months, Morg. Walker looks at you like you’re the sun. Like he knows he shouldn’t be staring because you’re only going to burn him, but he just can’t help himself.” Her tone softens again. “I know without a doubt that he doesn’t want to lose you.”

I purse my lips, trying to come up with an argument. But I can’t. Because in the deepest parts of my heart, I know what she’s saying is true. And if I really think about it hard, I don’t want to lose him either.

***

“Morg,” our charge nurse Marisa calls to me from across the triage waiting area. “Can you take Kat’s patients for a few hours?”

I frown, slowly looking up from my phone because that’s the absolute last thing I want to do.Kat is great and all, but she’s a new grad and her patients are always a shit show. Even if I take them for two hours, there’s no doubt in my mind that I’m going to be running around the entire time.

“Do I have to?” I whine, locking my phone and placing it on the cluttered desk. “I’m a little busy here.”

I’m actually not busy at all because triage has been uncharacteristically quiet. So quiet that the only thing on my mind for the past few hours has been composing and deleting the same text to Walker over and over again. Each message contains some variation of the phrase “Can we talk,” but I just can’t bring myself to press send.

Marisa pulls her shoulder-length bleached hair up into a ponytail as she enters the circular triage desk. “I’m up to my ass in modules, girl. Gotta finish them by tomorrow, or there’s going to be a nasty-gram in my inbox. You’d think I could get a moment of peace after my honeymoon, but apparently that’s too much to ask.”

I totally forgot she was out for two weeks because she got married, but now the sun-kissed skin makes more sense. Honestly, the more that I look at her, the more I notice that she’s glowing.

Is that what a happy marriage does to you?I wouldn’t know.

“Where’s she going?” I ask, logging off the computer before I stand to give up my coveted position.

“ACLS recertification,” she states, swapping places with me. “It was the only time she could do it. Her assignment isn’t bad, I promise, and it shouldn’t even take that long. Two hours max.”

Yeah right.

It’s already four in the afternoon, and I doubt she’s going to rush back after the two hour advanced cardiac life support class. If it were me, I’d take as long as possible before returning to this circus of chaos too.

“You okay?” Marisa asks when I don’t say anything back, her eyes narrowing on me like she’s worried. “I’ve been trying to assign you to triage every shift like you wanted. Has it been helping?”

After my patient died during the ice storm, I discreetly asked to be put back here whenever possible. I was already working triage occasionally because it’s an assignment that’s typically reserved for more senior nurses, and since we’ve lost a ton of staff in the past two years, I am now part of that category.

And to be fair, the change has helped me feel somewhat better. I’ve been able to dissociate from my patients again because my main job is to delegate and plan, similar to the job of a charge nurse. I determine which patients are seen first based on their clinical symptoms, and the only direct patient care that I provide is limited to drawing labs or giving fluids.

While I like the somewhat removed aspect of triage, I’m still struggling to maintain a positive attitude. It’s like I can’t get out of this negative brain fog, and each shift only makes it worse. Some mornings I’ll sit in silence until the very last moment and only get out of the car when I’m a minute away from clocking in late.

It’s wild because I used to crave the hospital. I would pick up every extra shift that I could because I loved it. But now I feel like I’m just trying to make it through the simplest of days. Nursing was something that I was proud of, but now it’s something I loathe, and I don’t know how to snap out of this funk. The only thing I do know, is that I need to do something soon. Because if I don’t, I’m going to burn out like the rest of the damn workforce.

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