Page 59 of A Monster Is Coming

“Pretend to be him?”

“Who?”

“Peter Shadows,” I said. The truth was, I missed him so much. My father had truly come into our lives and made a total mess of everything. I felt tears fill my eyes and I quickly glanced down. I was not going to cry.

“I’m still here.”

“No, you’re not. He was a lie. You said so yourself. You were just acting the part. He doesn’t exist. Peter Shadows had never killed anyone. Peter was a nice guy.” I still couldn’t bring myself to look at him as I was attempting to control the tears that filled my eyes. They were being stubborn.

“Peter Shadows didn’t exist, Niamh. You can pretend all you want, but I was that man, and I am still that man.”

At first, I didn’t know how to respond, so a few seconds passed as I tried to get my bearings.

“You’re right, and that man was ordered to have sex with me. Just like now. You’re not here of your own free will. You are being forced to be with me, and do you know what that feels like?” I asked, but I didn’t give him time to answer. “It sucks, in a real big way. It sucks more than you could imagine.”

I hated to admit it, but it did. Knowing he’d been forced to be with me. I was nothing more than a job to him, and it hurt. Staring down at the floor, I willed myself not to let the tears fall, but it would seem my tears had other ideas, and that pissed me off. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to feel this way.

“Niamh, I may have gone to Pickle Quest to find you, to protect you, and to put a baby inside you. It was an order, but I didn’t do it out of force.”

I shook my head. “Stop.”

“I did it because I wanted to.”

“I said stop!” I got up from the bed, and then pressed my hands to my ears. “I get it, okay? I know I’m not beautiful. I know I’m not pretty, and I know you were only there because your boss ordered you to be. It’s the only reason you’re married to me.”

I didn’t know why I was freaking out. In that moment, I felt so tired. So … lost.

All my life, I’d grown accustomed to feeling unwanted. My mother had told me regularly that she had thought about aborting me. She’d even considered killing me as a baby, but my father had always shown up at the right moment, which convinced her to keep me alive.

It was strange, because I only had a vague memory of the older lady coming to see me. A woman who said she was my grandmother, and from the moment she said those words, I’d loved her. I ran into her arms and instantly told her I loved her. She stayed with me for a couple of days—sporadic visits that I always looked forward to—until she eventually stopped coming.

My father told me cruelly that she was now dead and wasn’t coming back. He’d told me she’d been getting senile and she didn’t love me at all. She didn’t even remember who I was.

I’d gotten used to experiencing a lot of hate. Knowing no one was capable of loving me.

Then Peter Shadows came along.

I tried to keep him at arm’s length. To not have anything to do with him. It was odd, because I wasn’t angry at him for following orders. I wasn’t angry at Peter for anything. I was angry at myself for believing it.

Only one person in my life showed me love. Then out of nowhere an amazing guy suddenly showed an interest in me, and I lapped it up like a puppy dog after a bone. I was pathetic.

Peter had given me a taste of something I’d been trying to bury deep. He’d given me a taste of love. He’d made me feel wanted, cared for, needed, and that hurt more than rejection, especially now. Because it had all been a lie.

I felt like I was losing my mind. I certainly was losing my senses, but then, all too soon, Peter’s there, and he slid his hands beneath mine and cupped my face.

“No,” he said. “I’m not going to stop.”

He slammed us both against the wall and tilted my head back. I didn’t get time to ask him what he was doing before his lips were on mine. He kissed me hard.

He’d not kissed me since that day at the picnic. The picnic—it already felt like a lifetime ago.

All sense of reasoning left my mind as he kissed me. I knew I should fight him, tell him to let me go, tell him to fuck off. But in the craziness of our world right now, this felt like the only thing that was right.

I could make sense of this.

I knew what he wanted.

I knew who I was.

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